Archive for June, 2009

The Behavior Patterns of the Great North American Dillhole

June 30, 2009

Dear Earthjustice Office Manager,

Thank you for your rejection letter. While I know it isn’t from you, I still take it rather personally and I think we need to have a talk, sweetcheeks. Can I call you that? Sweetcheeks?

From one office manager to another, I know what it is like to be managed by everyone in the office, whether they’re your direct supervisor or not. I know what it is like to be referred to the “receptionist” and to watch day after day as the interns are treated better. I know what it is like to be given the title, but none of the power or respect that unjamming the copier should command. You think I don’t get ignored when I greet the people who’ve been here for months and have never once acknowledged my existence? EVERY FUCKING MORNING, that’s when. You think I don’t get harassed by telemarketers who accuse me of not getting laid when I ask to be removed from their call list? Tell me I’ve never had to refill the hand soap bottles, because my time is worth less than the cost of buying a huge container of liquid soap and manually refilling 24 bottles. Babycakes, I’m right there with you.

And yet, you followed the orders of your superiors, and kept a fellow desk jockey down, without even letting them through for an interview for a position that could be the only thing standing between them and a bottle of pills tonight. For no other reason that some other fuck who applied had a degree from Brown and a few summers of sucking ass at the NRDC. Or so I’m guessing. I’ve been deemed “unqualified” a lot of people much like your HR department, so you’ll have to forgive my bitterness, sweetcheeks.

You ought to know what it is like, 5 years temping your way through college only to end up at the bottom again after 5 years in a shit industry that nearly killed you followed by a career change after you got laid off. Or are you just another wannabe stand-up comedian who just wants a day job and stumbled upon this saving-the-earth gig? I mean, even if you are just doing this for the steady pay and benefits, you should still understand that other people have dreams and aspirations too.

Why didn’t you revolt? Say no to your boss. Put through candidates you want to work with, who seem interesting on paper and make the management talk to “nontraditional” applicants. “Accidentally” send out an invitation to me, get me in the office and at least let me have some facetime with an interviewer who can see that I’m not an idiot despite not having done the exact fucking job as described.

I have work experience, and volunteer experience, not to mention a die-hard environmental commitment. I rewash Ziplock baggies, for fuck’s sake. Last summer I interned with a “green” organization when I was laid off. I’m sorry I can’t afford to buy a master’s from Columbia, but the kitty’s a little low these days, what with the recession and my shit pay and my retarded need to not be homeless and hungry. Your organization would be getting a bargain, because I am not entry-level but hell, I’m offering to work for entry level pay if it means getting out of the hellhole job I’m in now.

Come on, why didn’t you go rogue? Do you identify with your oppressors? Stockholm syndrome and all that. You think that if you play the game, you’ll get a promotion, from Office Manager to maybe Program Assistant then Program Associate, then maybe even, Director of Sustainable Tristate Waterways Fucking Policy, and then you’ll get to do the Real Work of saving the World ™. Yeah, well I’ve got news for you assface. It don’t happen that way. They see you as an office manager, barely able to handle the Staples order, never-mind that you may have a whole secret inner world full of ideas, thoughts, plans, proposals, independent research and self-education. They’re amazed that you’re even able to make it to work wearing pants. Ya ain’t goin’ nowhere, kid, trust me. From one office manager to another.

Office Managers of the world should unite. We should get drunk and motherfucking riot. Burn this city down. Tar, toner and feather the upper management. Lemon juice and paper cuts for all. We’d have a blast, and if we got the other downtrodden pink collars (medical secretaries, personal assistants, cleaning ladies) on our side, we could easily shut Manhattan down. Yeah, but it won’t happen because of assholes. like. you.

They say you should behave as those behave in the position you aspire to. Clearly, asshole, you are middle-management material if I ever saw it.

I’ve sent your number to all my friends, so if you get a lot of calls asking about the plight of the Great North American Dillhole, just thank me. We know you’re not an endangered species.



We’re Just Not That Into You

June 30, 2009

I present exhibit #1:

Good afternoon,
Thank you for your interest in working with Earthjustice. As you might
imagine, we have received applications from many talented candidates.
Unfortunately, given our specific needs at this time, we cannot offer
you a position.
We wish you well in your future career pursuits.

****** ******
Office Manager
156 William Street, Suite 800
New York, NY 10038
*please consider the environment before printing

Oh, Earthjustice, I will consider the environment before printing. And I will respond to you tomorrow.

bigger fish to fry

June 26, 2009

Dear Executive Director,

As you’ve probably heard, I’m leaving in 2 weeks. No? You didn’t hear? Of course not; it is so hard to get the scoop all the way up there in your ivory tower. 

But yeah, I’m leaving so I thought I’d give you a special shout-out, since we’ve had so many good times together. 

What I will remember most about our awesome times together is that after 10 months of working together, you have never once spelled my name correctly. Your determination to make me Jewish and Old Testamentize the spelling of my name is really unparalleled.  Seriously, 100 points for your determination.  I mean,  my name has been on hundreds of emails, every day, there at the bottom. You know, the emails you respond to, and still spell my name wrong?  It isn’t a difficult name. My parents chose it mainly because it was the only thing they could agree on, but also because it is common without being like, Bob, or something. 

It really takes balls, or actually gall in your case, to absolutely refuse to note my name and who I am.  Few have done it so consistently and with such tenacity. But I guess that’s what has earned you that $400,000 you make as an executive director of a NONPROFIT.  

So yeah, I know you have bigger things on your mind than to note the spelling of the person who answers your phones, and runs your office.  I know you’ve never had to work a shit job for shit pay because it is all you could get with your state school BA that you paid for by temping every summer and mortgaging your future to a college loan that you’re still not sure if you’ll ever pay off.  

Oh. Sorry, I saw your eyes glaze over there for a minute, when I was telling you about how us proles live. I can only imagine how hard it’s been for you to  be a privileged white bitch.

Well I’ll let you go. I know you have so many important things to do. I mean, god, you’ve got little starving orphans to save. You’re saving life! You’re securing the future. You’re putting food into their poor wasted little hands. Well, actually not YOU, but you know what I mean. 

 And the best part is, you never even have to learn their names. 

Sincerely yours, 


vodka for breakfast, sleeping pills for dinner

June 26, 2009

Dear *******,

I will be leaving this shithole of a job, and will not look back. I truly hate you, as I have never hated another boss, and I’ve worked in _______, so that is really saying a lot. I have decided to accept unemployment because the thought of working for you another day is what has driven me to purchase a .45. 


I also hope you get SARs

June 25, 2009

Dear  *******,

I have decided to accept another position because you are the most spineless, two-faced asshole of a manager I have ever had the misfortune to work with.  I want to thank you for the opportunity I’ve had to be continually placed in situations I cannot win under your mismanagement, and then blamed for my own shortcomings. You are a fuck and I continually pray for your plane to crash each time you go to France




June 23, 2009

Dear ********,

Please accept this letter as two weeks’ notice of my intent to leave my position as Office Manager/HR Assistant with *********.  I have decided to accept another position where I have a chance for professional growth and where my skills will be appreciated. 

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to work here. I’d like to wish you and your organization all the best in your future endeavors.