Dear ******,

First, please print a copy of this for your easy reference.  

Second, please sit down and have a sip of coffee. 

Third, enjoy. 

In lieu of the standard 2 weeks’ notice, I’ve decided to smear everything in your office with raw chicken. Your phone? Yup.  Your door handles? Yup. Desk top? Check.  Every key, crevice and contour of your keyboard, your coffee mug, your pens and pencils, your bag of almonds- you better believe every possible surface has been hit. It’s in your paperclips, your stapler,  and your fountain pen. Yes siree, I filled your chair with raw fowl, washed your windows with it, and I even took the liberty of replacing your mouthwash with mint-flavored chicken water. 

By the time you read this, you will be in the throes of salmonella.  I just thought I’d provide you with some….reading material. You’re gonna be in the mens’ room for a long, long time. 

Sing it with me now!

La la la, salmonella, 


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