half-full

Dear Cunt-in-HR,

I technically don’t need to give you 2 weeks’ notice because you’re not my boss. But in lieu of punching you in the face on my way out,  I thought I’d share a little something before I leave. 

When you went to the field I was sure your plane would crash. It didn’t. I hoped you’d be taken hostage by Islamic militants. You weren’t. You returned to the office and continued your cuntastic ways. 

This weekend you’re going on vacation. Because I’m the eternal optimist, I know there IS a chance you could be mauled by a bear. There are at least 15 Lyme-disease laden ticks with your name on them.  People tell me there aren’t hordes of marading Somali pirates patrolling the New England woods but I beg to differ. And I still have faith that Satan himself will appear to drag you back to the firey pits from whence you came. 

Why? Just a little thing I like to call optimism. Some say the glass is half empty but I know better.

Even if those things don’t happen, there’s always next time. I’m sure of it.  And hell, writing all this made me happy too so I win either way. 

Sincerely,
MY NAME IS NOT HEY

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2 Responses to “half-full”

  1. Unfortunate font Says:

    Could the bear have hammerhead sharks strapped to each arm? That would be both awesome and energy efficient! Its well known that hammerhead sharks require 15% less energy than other sharks of comparable size.

  2. planetross Says:

    I respond to “Hey”, but not “You”… I draw the line somewhere … I forget where though.

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