Archive for the ‘professional’ Category

Shrinkydinks

January 27, 2010

Dear CowWorker, 

I’d say I’m really sorry you live a small life, but that would imply my considering you and your sad existence.   My life is not small, I will not work here for 31 years and have this place as my sole source of entertainment, interaction or friends. 

Have a wonderful evening with your Lean Cuisine dinner, your sham of a marriage and the children you squeezed out who don’t love you anymore. I have Things to Do, Places to Go, Drinks to Drink and the impending GRE on my plate. 

In other words, kindly fuck off.

Sincerely yours, 

******

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Absence

December 10, 2009

Just took some time to move to an area with an even worse job market, fail at life and find a new job to hate.  But mostly just fail at life. 

So, yeah, I guess this blog will in fact continue. 

And you thought I’d moved on and found personal happiness. Pfffft.

A quick guide to understanding job ads

July 23, 2009

This is only the first in what i expect to be an ongoing and ever-expanding dictionary of job search terms. The phrase or term is followed by its real life definition: 

  • Interesting personalities – assholes.
  • Strong personalities – rude assholes.
  • Diverse environment – foreign assholes, also probably rude.
  • Dynamic team – assholes who drink after work together.
  • Sense of humour a must – you are expected to kiss the asses of assholes.
  • Attention to detail – the same asshole who complains that you ordered the wrong White-out once will spell your name wrong on your paycheck, personnel file, life insurance, dental insurance, tax forms, and every email for 8 months.
  • BA required – we will hire someone with a master’s degree but will only pay for a bachelor’s. State school degree-holders need not apply. 
  • Ability to multi-task – you’ll do the work of 2 people because we’re a nonprofit and we don’t have money in the budget for a proper staff.
  • Multi-lingual – your boss is foreign and you’ll have to figure out what the hell he’s trying to say.
  • High energy environment – about 5 assholes will yell at you and each other every day. 
  • Submit a resume with salary history – you’ll be lucky to make a living wage because we’re a nonprofit and say we have no money in the budget but pay our executive director 300,000 per year plus 6 weeks’ vacation.
  • Act as a liasion – you will be the ping-pong ball batted back and forth by warring departments.
  • Growing organization – we’re adding assholes left and right.
  • Superior oral and written communication skills – you need to be a mindreader to figure out what these assholes want.
  • Excellent interpersonal skills – your asshole boss will gossip about your superiors to you and expect you to chip in a few comments. You will have to try not to punch her. 
  • Learning experience – you’ll work for assholes who like to hear themselves talk.
  • Challenging position – you’ll also work nights and weekends.
  • Problem-solving skills – the executive director is 65, cannot use Outlook, will delete the shared contacts list and you will have to figure out how to add them again but not out her for the asshole she is.
  • Looking for someone who is motivated and dedicated – we will probably downsize you in 3 years, but until then we’ll be reading your emails to make sure you aren’t looking for a new job.

Tuesday

June 23, 2009

Dear ********,

Please accept this letter as two weeks’ notice of my intent to leave my position as Office Manager/HR Assistant with *********.  I have decided to accept another position where I have a chance for professional growth and where my skills will be appreciated. 

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to work here. I’d like to wish you and your organization all the best in your future endeavors. 

Sincerely,

*******