Archive for the ‘sweet victory’ Category

Techniques of combat

September 17, 2009

Once upon a time, there was an office in Anyoffice, NY where Department 1 operations needed a new policy to deal with the workflow between Department 2.

Department 1 Supervisors Bitch and Cunt developed new policy for Department 1 to respond to need.  Boss Asshole has no idea what goes on, and because he is lazy, signs off on the policy (lucky for him, Bitch and Cunt are actually competant and wrote good policy, even if they are bitches and cunts.) 
Department adopted new policy where one did not exist. Policy is agreed upon by Departments 1 and 2. 

Boss Asshole informed Departments of new policy via email. 

Department 1 Worker A read email carefully and begins to follow new policy. 

Worker A takes care in detail-oriented work and policy helps to improve the ease in which Worker A is able to do the job. Worker A is pleased with new policy. 

When Worker A is presented with a situation that varies from the policy, Worker A sends an email to Supervisors Bitch and Cunt with questions, including background evidence so Supervisors B and C can make informed decisions. 

Supervisors B and C make decision, inform Worker A on how to proceed. 

Worker A carried out decision.  

Worker A carried on with job, newly productive due to clear policy and training. 

Boss Asshole is contacted by Department 2 Workers N, O and P from because they didn’t like the outcome of Worker A’s actions, although said actions were within policy, ultimately approved by Supervisors Bitch and Cunt and are necessary to completion of Department 1 work. Department 2 has no jurisdiction over this work. 

Instead of explaining to Workers N, O and P that actions were carried out due to policy set in place and agreed-upon by all departments, AND that actions were just given the situation in question, Boss Asshole called Worker A into office. 

Boss Asshole repeatedly wasted 45 min-1 hour of  Worker A’s time by demanding that Worker A explain all of Worker A’s actions.

Worker A is made to feel incompetant, defensive, micromanaged and has intelligence insulted by Boss Asshole.

Worker A also gets sick of being punished for doing job. 

Worker A quickly loses interest in doing job, because work will just be redone by Workers N, O and P each time they complain to Boss Asshole, who won’t stand up for Worker A, Department 1 or policy. 

Worker A stops being proactive and productive. 

Worker A sends everything to Supervisors Bitch and Cunt, even for standard situations that fall well within policy and which Worker A regularly handled successfully in the past. 

Worker A generates 35% more email every day, with questions to fill up Supervisors Bitch and Cunt’s email boxes. 

Supervisors Bitch and Cunt are required to answer all questions. If they do not, Worker A is prevented from being able to do job. Work slows and Bitch and Cunt are held responsible. 

Worker A sees success in this new system, and adopts in all facets of job. 

Worker A no longer answers any questions and sends all questions up the chain of management, clogging the system and slowing the ability of the office to get things done.

Worker A basks in inefficiency and spends extra time looking for jobs on the interwebs while planning weekend seminars to teach similarly oppressed workers the newest techniques of combat and reading cooking blogs.

2 down, 8 to go

September 16, 2009

I have to say, I actually don’t completely hate my job now that I know it will be ending soon.  There’s really something to be said for showing up 20 minutes late and not giving a fuck.  That got the day off to a great start, and from there it only got better. I only cussed 3 times, and once was just to make sure I still knew how. It is amazing to actually have an ok day.

I totally should have done this months ago!

The light at the end of the tunnel

September 15, 2009

Dear ********,

 This letter is to give two weeks’ notice of my intent to leave my position as Office Manager/HR Assistant with (Organization Which Doesn’t Deserve Your Generous Funds).  I have decided to accept another position where I have a chance for professional growth and where my skills will be better utilized. 

I’d like to wish you and your organization all the best in your future endeavors. 

Sincerely,
ME

We interrupt your regularly scheduled ranting for this important announcement

August 21, 2009

The person they hired- rather than “promoting me”- got fired.  

You know. The one who was “more qualified” than me. 

Because aforementioned person -wait for it –

COULDN’T DO THE FUCKING JOB. 

and breathe in–

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHAH

HAHAHAHHAAHHAAHAH HAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

breathe– 

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHNHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH 

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH

HAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAHAH

Tonight, drinks are on me!

 

And now, back to your regularly scheduled ranting. 

Thanx,

-The Mgmt

The Great Birthday Card Slaying of 2009: The Return

July 21, 2009

From: asshole
Sent: Tuesday, July 14, 2009 2:19 PM
To:  other assholes
Subject: an email for @@@@@

Dear All

@@@@@@ is sad for not receiving a B-Day card.

Please send her an email or an electronic card (it was July ****th)

Thank you

From: @@@@@
Sent: Tuesday, July 14, 2009 1:55 PM
To: asshole
Subject: RE: NY / All / B-Days, Cards and Team building

I am a bit sad because I signed many cards for others for almost 1 year and I was so near to get mine….

@@@@@

VACATION!!!!!

July 10, 2009

Back on the 17th!

Happy happy joy joy, happy happy joy joy, 

Happy happy joy joy, happy happy joy joy, 

and repeat to infinity

Sweet, sweet victory. Fleeting, but sweet and sweet.

July 9, 2009

From: asshole
Sent: Thursday, July 02, 2009 5:50 PM
To: NY Office
Subject: NY / All / B-Days, Cards and Team building

Dear colleagues,

A few summer announcements and changes in our office’s customs:

As you all know, we decided a few months ago to combine birthday celebrations with a little party and individual card once a month. But, as we’ve become such a large office, the birthday celebration and card is just not feeling very “special” anymore. So, we think we should discontinue the monthly office birthday celebrations and put the funds we’d set aside for that to fund the very popular Friday “happy hour” wine time. Each department will rotate to organize it for the entire office, and whoever wants to join for a drink will be welcome to do so.

We also would like to organize, like we did 2 years ago, a 1-day team building out-of-the-office event during the summer.

As last time, *****  is offering a gathering at her place which is on a beautiful lake, about *****  from the City. We’ll all leave in the morning (we’ll organize the transportation), and spend the rest of the day together, having BBQ, kayaking, swimming,  etc. We should be back to the City in the early evening. As it is a work related day, the families will not be joining us this time.

Some people may have some vacations already planned, but there will never be a perfect date for everybody in the summer, and we are sorry to miss those who cannot be there. The date will be ***day July **, or the **th if the **th is a rainy day.

 

Please mark the date in your calendar and please let me know ASAP if you will be out on vacation that day. There will be more information to come – and, as we’ll be renting a van or vans, please let me know if you have a car and would be willing to drive some of your colleagues there and back.

Happy Summer to all of you!


After months of choosing the worst cards I could find…after months of cursing the last Thursday of the month when I had to arrange the birthday parties – and after cursing that I had to CLEAN UP AT MY OWN PARTY. Sweet, sweet victory.  Oh, you are so sweet. Like a glass of blueberry Stoli and homemade lemonade. 

Now if I can just insure that it doesn’t rain on the **th, I can add a 3rd sweet to my victory.