Posts Tagged ‘depression’

The Glued-on Smile

March 3, 2010

Every February-ish I’m listing to one song or another from Skinny Puppy on repeat. Like, Repeat. With a capital blowmyearsout. This year, of course, is no exception. Apart from the car I drive whilst listing to aforementioned song, and contemplating taking a wrong turn into a telephone pole. 

Of course the live version video is better but this is here for clarity’s sake. Hah. Clarity.

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Sorry I’m not inept enough for you

February 9, 2010

Dear *******, 

Thank you for your interest in the Executive Assistant – Chief Medical Office opportunity at ******** Hospitals; job number IRC122371. We have reviewed your resume and qualifications for this specific position / job number. While your skills and experience are impressive, we are pursuing applicants whose credentials more closely fit the requirements for this particular opportunity at ********** Hospitals. 

Please note that if you have applied to other positions /job numbers from the specific one noted above, you may view your status at anytime by logging on to our website, as there could be other opportunities in which you are being considered. 

Thank you again for your interest and we wish you success in your career endeavors. 

Sincerely, 
Recruitment Services
********* Hospitals

Dear Suckwad, 

Thanks for being completely inept at carrying out your recruiting process. As a fellow recruiter, I can recognize a job well done.  As a person who did do a recruiting job well, I can easily see when one falls short of  well, adequate or even competent.  In short you, sir, suck.  Like, suck-shit-through-a crazy-straw suck.  

It took you what now, 1 month and 1 day to simply tell me “no” after wasting my time -AGAIN- for 30 minutes on the phone? I mean hell, you didn’t even meet me face to face. An email takes 5 seconds for your assistant to cut/paste into being. 

Also, thanks for being the human equivalent of a maxipad on the telephone.  I’ve met typing paper with more of a presence than you.

I could give two shits about this job and find it HIGHlarious that you can’t recognize that someone with my experience would do anything but feign enthusiasm for this position. The recession has me by the balls and you think I aspire to be a glorified secretary?

Bitch, please. 

*******

After a 9 hour shift, I just don’t have the words for today

February 2, 2010

Mindgames

January 25, 2010

Dear Customers, 

Because I’m feeling magnanimous today, I will share with you the reason I don’t allow you to visibly anger me anymore with your stupid demands, rudeness, insipid helplessness and generaly cuntitude that comes with being middle-aged menopausal women. 

When you start up with your nastiness, rudeness, and general mistreatment of me, the retail worker, I imagine stabbing you with my scissors, in the face, repeatedly. I picture picking up the largest piece of merchandise near me and swinging it like a baseball bat until it connects with that thick skull of yours.  Home-run!  

And to top it off, after I finish killing you in my head, I smile, look you straight in the eye and wish you a great afternoon, good luck or a wonderful evening. And I thank you for your patronage. 

See, if you anger me and I break the mask I wear to get through the day, then you win.  But when I continue about my task of helping you with the same level of neutral professionalism and polite faux-interest that I give my nonasshole customers, I win.  And top it off,  I’m entertained by scenes of your death.

Some days are harder than others, but I Will. Not. Let. You. Get. To. Me. 

So doubly,  I will continue to win because I laugh at you. You have no idea what I’m thinking  and that is freedom.  

Oh yeah, and I watch Dexter not for entertainment, but more of a “how-to.”

Thank you, come again,

*******

Because I’m good enough and smart enough and gosh-darnit people like me

January 6, 2010

Dear Customers,

I hate you.  I mean, yeah I hate myself too, but I hate you more. 

Save the planet. Kill yourself.  

*******

Top 10 Signs You’re On Your Way to a Nifty Work-Related Drinking Habit

December 17, 2009

10. Your (few nice) coworkers no longer worry that you’re being beaten by a significant other  when they see the bruises on your bare legs on Casual Friday. They think it is hilarious when you say you fell in the shower whilst skunked and tangled in your socks, and have instead chosen to believe that you’re just a clumsy person who took up rollerblading over the weekend. 

9. It is only Tuesday and you’ve already gone through half of the big bottle of Absolut because it was on sale at the liquor store. AND it was somehow cheaper than the jug of Kalatchnakayakovakillmeplease with the E-Z pour spout. 

8. You don’t even like vodka, you like whiskey. But you were too buzzed to get to Trader Joes (2 Buck Chuck, y’all!) and you’re watching your pennies these days, so vodka it is. 

7. You drink the vodka straight while watching Intervention and wishing that you could get enough of an addiction that would merit 60-90 days in a treatment facility only because it would mean:

a. not having to go to work

b. maybe even seeing if your family/friends actually care about you enough to make fools of themselves on national tv. 

c. guilting someone into paying for a nice Indian dinner-all the courses, dammit-  to celebrate your release. 

6. You find an old bottle of blackberry liquor and peppermint schnaps way in the back of the fridge behind the Frank’s and your roommate’s mashed potatoes. Party tiiiiime!

5. (But seriously, look at me. Can you picture this on rollerblades?)

4. You read anorexic blogs in hopes of developing an eating disorder if only it would stop you from drinking so damn much. 

3. But at least vodka only has about 60 calories per shot. 

2. And if you cut the vodka with water, you can totally stretch it out til like Thursday. 

1. Fusck it, fucking wheres the tAcoBell and why donnt they fukking deliver?

Absence

December 10, 2009

Just took some time to move to an area with an even worse job market, fail at life and find a new job to hate.  But mostly just fail at life. 

So, yeah, I guess this blog will in fact continue. 

And you thought I’d moved on and found personal happiness. Pfffft.

Raison d’etre

August 25, 2009

Dear ********,

Maybe I really am only capable of answering the phones. But I’ll be goddamned if I do it for you any longer. 

Sincerely,

*******

Life is Good ™

August 19, 2009

Dear ********,

Every day I come to work I want to steal that poster bearing the girl out of the douche ad that screams “No joy in life? FREE DEPRESSION SCREENING.”  

It would go so well with the collection of Prozac ads that once hung above my bed. 

God knows I’ve been depressed for every one of the 372 days I’ve been employed here. Anyway, I’m taking it in 2 weeks. Try and stop me. 

Sincerely, 
*******

I have literally listened to this every day on the way to work for 3 months

July 25, 2009

Clicky clicky folks.

(But seriously, dammit Le Tigre. Why don’t you have a video of people dancing around on Youtube that I could easily embed in my blog.)

Some of us don’t have fancypants paid accounts that let us upload our own mp3 files here, you know. 

 This jam is for everyone who’s raging against the machine.