Posts Tagged ‘depression’

You Put the “Ass” in “Assets”

July 23, 2009

Dear *******,

Thank you for your recent application to join the staff of Teach For America.  We conducted a thorough and comprehensive review of your materials, and after careful consideration, unfortunately we are not able to offer you an interview at this time.

Thank you very much for taking the time to explore staff opportunities with Teach For America.  We sincerely appreciate your interest in contributing to the effort to end educational inequity and we wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Best regards,
The Human Assets Team
Teach For America
315 West 36th Street, 6th Floor
New York, NY 10018

212-279-2080, x303

Smack a whale with a puppy wrapped in nuclear waste for the NRDC

July 19, 2009

Wow. It has been busy around here since I was on vacation. I returned all full of happy and New England and campingness to the




Dear *******

Thank you for your interest in employment opportunities with the Natural Resources Defense Council. Unfortunately, the NY – Program Assistant (Oceans & IT) position has been filled. Your resume will be kept on file with us for one year for any future opportunities with NRDC.

Please visit to view new open positions at NRDC. To access your account or change your contact information, please use the username and password you chose when you created your profile. We appreciate your interest in working with us, and your ongoing support of the environmental issues we represent.


Human Resources

Natural Resources Defense Council



Dear NRDC,

Then, stop sending me requests for money. Seriously. If I am applying for a job, and being rejected repeatedly by your HR staff, I clearly have NO MONEY TO GIVE YOU. Yes, I agree that the work you do is valuable. If I didn’t, WHY THE HELL WOULD I BE TRYING OVER AND OVER TO WORK THERE?

While I understand you need money, being asked repeatedly for money when you refuse to hire me is just low. What, my labor isn’t good enough for you but my money is? Or is this a pay-to-play situation, where if I scratch your back, you scratch mine?

I guess I’m a masochist. I should have stopped applying oh, about 17 jobs ago. Hell, you didn’t even want me as a volunteer last year when I was unemployed and looking for something to do. What the hell. Is my labor really worth nothing? I can’t even give this shit away?

And yet, I still try, since I really really really want to do more for the environment than recycling newspapers and berating my friends for taking 10 minute showers or wanting to use the air-conditioner.

And you say no. Over and over and over.

To me you are not the Natural Resources Defense Council.

You are the Nonprofit Repeat Dream Crushers.

Fuck you,


Things With Which I Would Like to Bludgeon My Boss

July 8, 2009

10. a 50lb sack of unground coffee beans
9. the front desk
8. a cricket bat
7. the new HR assistant
6. a carton of milk
5. one of the ugly pictures that hang in his office
4. the coffee maker
3. a stapler
2. the broken chair in the kitchen
1. my telephone

The Behavior Patterns of the Great North American Dillhole

June 30, 2009

Dear Earthjustice Office Manager,

Thank you for your rejection letter. While I know it isn’t from you, I still take it rather personally and I think we need to have a talk, sweetcheeks. Can I call you that? Sweetcheeks?

From one office manager to another, I know what it is like to be managed by everyone in the office, whether they’re your direct supervisor or not. I know what it is like to be referred to the “receptionist” and to watch day after day as the interns are treated better. I know what it is like to be given the title, but none of the power or respect that unjamming the copier should command. You think I don’t get ignored when I greet the people who’ve been here for months and have never once acknowledged my existence? EVERY FUCKING MORNING, that’s when. You think I don’t get harassed by telemarketers who accuse me of not getting laid when I ask to be removed from their call list? Tell me I’ve never had to refill the hand soap bottles, because my time is worth less than the cost of buying a huge container of liquid soap and manually refilling 24 bottles. Babycakes, I’m right there with you.

And yet, you followed the orders of your superiors, and kept a fellow desk jockey down, without even letting them through for an interview for a position that could be the only thing standing between them and a bottle of pills tonight. For no other reason that some other fuck who applied had a degree from Brown and a few summers of sucking ass at the NRDC. Or so I’m guessing. I’ve been deemed “unqualified” a lot of people much like your HR department, so you’ll have to forgive my bitterness, sweetcheeks.

You ought to know what it is like, 5 years temping your way through college only to end up at the bottom again after 5 years in a shit industry that nearly killed you followed by a career change after you got laid off. Or are you just another wannabe stand-up comedian who just wants a day job and stumbled upon this saving-the-earth gig? I mean, even if you are just doing this for the steady pay and benefits, you should still understand that other people have dreams and aspirations too.

Why didn’t you revolt? Say no to your boss. Put through candidates you want to work with, who seem interesting on paper and make the management talk to “nontraditional” applicants. “Accidentally” send out an invitation to me, get me in the office and at least let me have some facetime with an interviewer who can see that I’m not an idiot despite not having done the exact fucking job as described.

I have work experience, and volunteer experience, not to mention a die-hard environmental commitment. I rewash Ziplock baggies, for fuck’s sake. Last summer I interned with a “green” organization when I was laid off. I’m sorry I can’t afford to buy a master’s from Columbia, but the kitty’s a little low these days, what with the recession and my shit pay and my retarded need to not be homeless and hungry. Your organization would be getting a bargain, because I am not entry-level but hell, I’m offering to work for entry level pay if it means getting out of the hellhole job I’m in now.

Come on, why didn’t you go rogue? Do you identify with your oppressors? Stockholm syndrome and all that. You think that if you play the game, you’ll get a promotion, from Office Manager to maybe Program Assistant then Program Associate, then maybe even, Director of Sustainable Tristate Waterways Fucking Policy, and then you’ll get to do the Real Work of saving the World ™. Yeah, well I’ve got news for you assface. It don’t happen that way. They see you as an office manager, barely able to handle the Staples order, never-mind that you may have a whole secret inner world full of ideas, thoughts, plans, proposals, independent research and self-education. They’re amazed that you’re even able to make it to work wearing pants. Ya ain’t goin’ nowhere, kid, trust me. From one office manager to another.

Office Managers of the world should unite. We should get drunk and motherfucking riot. Burn this city down. Tar, toner and feather the upper management. Lemon juice and paper cuts for all. We’d have a blast, and if we got the other downtrodden pink collars (medical secretaries, personal assistants, cleaning ladies) on our side, we could easily shut Manhattan down. Yeah, but it won’t happen because of assholes. like. you.

They say you should behave as those behave in the position you aspire to. Clearly, asshole, you are middle-management material if I ever saw it.

I’ve sent your number to all my friends, so if you get a lot of calls asking about the plight of the Great North American Dillhole, just thank me. We know you’re not an endangered species.



bigger fish to fry

June 26, 2009

Dear Executive Director,

As you’ve probably heard, I’m leaving in 2 weeks. No? You didn’t hear? Of course not; it is so hard to get the scoop all the way up there in your ivory tower. 

But yeah, I’m leaving so I thought I’d give you a special shout-out, since we’ve had so many good times together. 

What I will remember most about our awesome times together is that after 10 months of working together, you have never once spelled my name correctly. Your determination to make me Jewish and Old Testamentize the spelling of my name is really unparalleled.  Seriously, 100 points for your determination.  I mean,  my name has been on hundreds of emails, every day, there at the bottom. You know, the emails you respond to, and still spell my name wrong?  It isn’t a difficult name. My parents chose it mainly because it was the only thing they could agree on, but also because it is common without being like, Bob, or something. 

It really takes balls, or actually gall in your case, to absolutely refuse to note my name and who I am.  Few have done it so consistently and with such tenacity. But I guess that’s what has earned you that $400,000 you make as an executive director of a NONPROFIT.  

So yeah, I know you have bigger things on your mind than to note the spelling of the person who answers your phones, and runs your office.  I know you’ve never had to work a shit job for shit pay because it is all you could get with your state school BA that you paid for by temping every summer and mortgaging your future to a college loan that you’re still not sure if you’ll ever pay off.  

Oh. Sorry, I saw your eyes glaze over there for a minute, when I was telling you about how us proles live. I can only imagine how hard it’s been for you to  be a privileged white bitch.

Well I’ll let you go. I know you have so many important things to do. I mean, god, you’ve got little starving orphans to save. You’re saving life! You’re securing the future. You’re putting food into their poor wasted little hands. Well, actually not YOU, but you know what I mean. 

 And the best part is, you never even have to learn their names. 

Sincerely yours,