Posts Tagged ‘fleeting’

The Glued-on Smile

March 3, 2010

Every February-ish I’m listing to one song or another from Skinny Puppy on repeat. Like, Repeat. With a capital blowmyearsout. This year, of course, is no exception. Apart from the car I drive whilst listing to aforementioned song, and contemplating taking a wrong turn into a telephone pole. 

Of course the live version video is better but this is here for clarity’s sake. Hah. Clarity.

Freedom (or, Mindgames II)

February 24, 2010

Oh, XKCD, where would I be without you.  It’s like we share the same hive-mind or something

Mindgames

January 25, 2010

Dear Customers, 

Because I’m feeling magnanimous today, I will share with you the reason I don’t allow you to visibly anger me anymore with your stupid demands, rudeness, insipid helplessness and generaly cuntitude that comes with being middle-aged menopausal women. 

When you start up with your nastiness, rudeness, and general mistreatment of me, the retail worker, I imagine stabbing you with my scissors, in the face, repeatedly. I picture picking up the largest piece of merchandise near me and swinging it like a baseball bat until it connects with that thick skull of yours.  Home-run!  

And to top it off, after I finish killing you in my head, I smile, look you straight in the eye and wish you a great afternoon, good luck or a wonderful evening. And I thank you for your patronage. 

See, if you anger me and I break the mask I wear to get through the day, then you win.  But when I continue about my task of helping you with the same level of neutral professionalism and polite faux-interest that I give my nonasshole customers, I win.  And top it off,  I’m entertained by scenes of your death.

Some days are harder than others, but I Will. Not. Let. You. Get. To. Me. 

So doubly,  I will continue to win because I laugh at you. You have no idea what I’m thinking  and that is freedom.  

Oh yeah, and I watch Dexter not for entertainment, but more of a “how-to.”

Thank you, come again,

*******

Of all the times for my phone not to have a camera…

December 23, 2009

To adopt a more “positive outlook on life” (shut the fuck up), I’ve decided to share An Awesome Thing From This Week ™. This week:

My cowworker (you read right. It isn’t a typo. She’s a fucking cow.) wrote a poem about our place of employment and left it on the table in the breakroom. 

Yep.  

A poem.

A motherfucking poem.  Jumpin’ jesus on a pogo stick. I can’t make this shit up. 

And yep. My phone doesn’t have a camera so I have no way of getting it out into the world, where it ought to be, save for texting a line of it every day to my bff, with the hopes that she will transcribe in careful calligraphy strokes onto handmade parchment in purple ink crushed from the shells of rare snails.  

Because the poem is seriously. Just. That. Good. 

Stay tuned, faithful readers. All 5 of you. 

PS: Also this week, a 9 year-old told me her dream in life is to sew clothes and give them away to poor people, and that this is a plan she and her friends discussed. OMG. Seriously, my heart grew like 100x like that scene from the Grinch Who Stole Christmas because this fucking kid made my day. 

But whatevs, I know the 5 of you don’t read to hear what fucking makes me happy.

Youth Gone Wild

September 4, 2009

Dear Asshole,

Check it.

Since I was born they couldn’t hold me down. Another misfit kid, another burned-out town. Never played by the rules I never really cared. My nasty reputation takes me everywhere.


I look and see it’s not only me. So many others have stood where I stand.  We are the young so raise your hands.  

They call us problem child. We spend our lives on trial. We walk an endless mile.  We are the youth gone wild.  We stand and we won’t fall. We’re the one and one for all. The writing’s on the wall. We are the youth gone wild. 

Boss screamin’ in my ear about who I’m supposed to be. Getcha a 3-piece Wall Street smile and son you’ll look just like me.  I said “Hey man, there’s something that you oughta know. I tell ya Park Avenue leads to Skid Row.”  I look and see it’s not only me. We’re standin’ tall ain’t never a doubt. We are the young, so shout it out 

They call us problem child. We spend our lives on trial. We walk an endless mile. We are the youth gone wild. We stand and we won’t fall.  We’re the one and one for all.  The writing’s on the wall.  We are the youth gone wild.

FUCK THIS SHIT. 

*******

We interrupt your regularly scheduled ranting for this important announcement

August 21, 2009

The person they hired- rather than “promoting me”- got fired.  

You know. The one who was “more qualified” than me. 

Because aforementioned person -wait for it –

COULDN’T DO THE FUCKING JOB. 

and breathe in–

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHAH

HAHAHAHHAAHHAAHAH HAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

breathe– 

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHNHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH 

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH

HAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAHAH

Tonight, drinks are on me!

 

And now, back to your regularly scheduled ranting. 

Thanx,

-The Mgmt

The Great Birthday Card Slaying of 2009: The Return

July 21, 2009

From: asshole
Sent: Tuesday, July 14, 2009 2:19 PM
To:  other assholes
Subject: an email for @@@@@

Dear All

@@@@@@ is sad for not receiving a B-Day card.

Please send her an email or an electronic card (it was July ****th)

Thank you

From: @@@@@
Sent: Tuesday, July 14, 2009 1:55 PM
To: asshole
Subject: RE: NY / All / B-Days, Cards and Team building

I am a bit sad because I signed many cards for others for almost 1 year and I was so near to get mine….

@@@@@

Sweet, sweet victory. Fleeting, but sweet and sweet.

July 9, 2009

From: asshole
Sent: Thursday, July 02, 2009 5:50 PM
To: NY Office
Subject: NY / All / B-Days, Cards and Team building

Dear colleagues,

A few summer announcements and changes in our office’s customs:

As you all know, we decided a few months ago to combine birthday celebrations with a little party and individual card once a month. But, as we’ve become such a large office, the birthday celebration and card is just not feeling very “special” anymore. So, we think we should discontinue the monthly office birthday celebrations and put the funds we’d set aside for that to fund the very popular Friday “happy hour” wine time. Each department will rotate to organize it for the entire office, and whoever wants to join for a drink will be welcome to do so.

We also would like to organize, like we did 2 years ago, a 1-day team building out-of-the-office event during the summer.

As last time, *****  is offering a gathering at her place which is on a beautiful lake, about *****  from the City. We’ll all leave in the morning (we’ll organize the transportation), and spend the rest of the day together, having BBQ, kayaking, swimming,  etc. We should be back to the City in the early evening. As it is a work related day, the families will not be joining us this time.

Some people may have some vacations already planned, but there will never be a perfect date for everybody in the summer, and we are sorry to miss those who cannot be there. The date will be ***day July **, or the **th if the **th is a rainy day.

 

Please mark the date in your calendar and please let me know ASAP if you will be out on vacation that day. There will be more information to come – and, as we’ll be renting a van or vans, please let me know if you have a car and would be willing to drive some of your colleagues there and back.

Happy Summer to all of you!


After months of choosing the worst cards I could find…after months of cursing the last Thursday of the month when I had to arrange the birthday parties – and after cursing that I had to CLEAN UP AT MY OWN PARTY. Sweet, sweet victory.  Oh, you are so sweet. Like a glass of blueberry Stoli and homemade lemonade. 

Now if I can just insure that it doesn’t rain on the **th, I can add a 3rd sweet to my victory.