Posts Tagged ‘i quit’

The Glued-on Smile

March 3, 2010

Every February-ish I’m listing to one song or another from Skinny Puppy on repeat. Like, Repeat. With a capital blowmyearsout. This year, of course, is no exception. Apart from the car I drive whilst listing to aforementioned song, and contemplating taking a wrong turn into a telephone pole. 

Of course the live version video is better but this is here for clarity’s sake. Hah. Clarity.

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Freedom (or, Mindgames II)

February 24, 2010

Oh, XKCD, where would I be without you.  It’s like we share the same hive-mind or something

After a 9 hour shift, I just don’t have the words for today

February 2, 2010

Because I’m good enough and smart enough and gosh-darnit people like me

January 6, 2010

Dear Customers,

I hate you.  I mean, yeah I hate myself too, but I hate you more. 

Save the planet. Kill yourself.  

*******

Status meeting

December 31, 2009

Dear Customers,

I’m proud to say, I made it through the holidays without a  without much of a body count.

That said, you’re on notice. I’m stretched tighter than Rush Limbaugh’s pants after a weekend pills n liquor bender. 

I may fucking snap at any moment right now. 

Fuck. You. 

*******

Top 10 Signs You’re On Your Way to a Nifty Work-Related Drinking Habit

December 17, 2009

10. Your (few nice) coworkers no longer worry that you’re being beaten by a significant other  when they see the bruises on your bare legs on Casual Friday. They think it is hilarious when you say you fell in the shower whilst skunked and tangled in your socks, and have instead chosen to believe that you’re just a clumsy person who took up rollerblading over the weekend. 

9. It is only Tuesday and you’ve already gone through half of the big bottle of Absolut because it was on sale at the liquor store. AND it was somehow cheaper than the jug of Kalatchnakayakovakillmeplease with the E-Z pour spout. 

8. You don’t even like vodka, you like whiskey. But you were too buzzed to get to Trader Joes (2 Buck Chuck, y’all!) and you’re watching your pennies these days, so vodka it is. 

7. You drink the vodka straight while watching Intervention and wishing that you could get enough of an addiction that would merit 60-90 days in a treatment facility only because it would mean:

a. not having to go to work

b. maybe even seeing if your family/friends actually care about you enough to make fools of themselves on national tv. 

c. guilting someone into paying for a nice Indian dinner-all the courses, dammit-  to celebrate your release. 

6. You find an old bottle of blackberry liquor and peppermint schnaps way in the back of the fridge behind the Frank’s and your roommate’s mashed potatoes. Party tiiiiime!

5. (But seriously, look at me. Can you picture this on rollerblades?)

4. You read anorexic blogs in hopes of developing an eating disorder if only it would stop you from drinking so damn much. 

3. But at least vodka only has about 60 calories per shot. 

2. And if you cut the vodka with water, you can totally stretch it out til like Thursday. 

1. Fusck it, fucking wheres the tAcoBell and why donnt they fukking deliver?

Top 10 Ways to Enjoy Your 2 Weeks’ Notice

September 23, 2009

10. Add an extra 20 min to your lunch. Enlist the help of a nice intern to cover the phones. 

9. Gossip profusely with the other serfs in the office because you ain’t in no hurry to get any work done and they’re very chatty since they know where you stand. 

8. Enjoy an insanely amazing and decadent dinner at Babbo with someone you care about. 

7. Ignore emails from your boss until he puts the director in copy and then reply only when no fewer than 2 hours have passed. 

6. Take 4 hours to do a 20 minute project where you are expected to collect desk keys, re-label them, , put them in an envelope for each person whose desk they belong to, seal the envelope, have the person sign it and then create a filing system.  Breakdown: 20 minutes for the actual project, 4 hours spent explaining to the office why you’re spending 4 hours doing a task around desk keys that no one even uses. 

5. Refuse to train your replacement on the grounds that you have been deemed over and over “unqualified” and don’t feel comfortable. 

4. Spend several days being shuttled back and forth between directors smiling as you walk down the hall, knowing you’re just running down the clock. 

3. Make plans with various serfs to have dinner, drinks and revenge. Gossip some more. 

2. Show up 25 minutes late every morning. 

1. Laugh in your boss’ face when he threatens to fire you, after you’ve already given notice.

2 down, 8 to go

September 16, 2009

I have to say, I actually don’t completely hate my job now that I know it will be ending soon.  There’s really something to be said for showing up 20 minutes late and not giving a fuck.  That got the day off to a great start, and from there it only got better. I only cussed 3 times, and once was just to make sure I still knew how. It is amazing to actually have an ok day.

I totally should have done this months ago!

The light at the end of the tunnel

September 15, 2009

Dear ********,

 This letter is to give two weeks’ notice of my intent to leave my position as Office Manager/HR Assistant with (Organization Which Doesn’t Deserve Your Generous Funds).  I have decided to accept another position where I have a chance for professional growth and where my skills will be better utilized. 

I’d like to wish you and your organization all the best in your future endeavors. 

Sincerely,
ME

Zebra Stripes

September 9, 2009

Dear Asshole,

You’re a prick. A dick. An asshole. A jerk, a tool, a douchebag. There’s no getting around it. True, you come off as a semi-decent person in the beginning. Assholes always do. But that decency is just a thin layer of slime over the slug that you really are. If I could drown you in salt and beer, believe me, I would have a thousand times over. 

When the former office manager – who reported to you for 3 years- died, you sent out an intern to buy a card for the family and told me to just pick some bunch of flowers, but not to spend too much.  You call me into your office every month or so to tell me how much I suck at life, the universe and everything, but never quite get a toe over the line where I could actually do something about it and sue this you and this fucking organization for abuse or harrassment.  You tell me my co workers don’t like me but refuse to tell me who or what was said exactly, and expect this to be some sort of motivation that improves my performance.  You tell me I suck at my job, yet fire the person who was “more qualified” than I am. You eavesdrop on other people’s conversations, check their email and listen in on their phone calls.  

You’re an asshole. I hate you. Simple statement of facts. I know now that before I was here, you were an asshole. I know that after I’m gone, you will be an asshole. A zebra doesn’t change its stripes so I don’t expect you to ever stop being an asshole.  

My only hope is that I made your life just that much more annoying and difficult. You’re small and petty and let things like that get to you. Every time you send me a snotty email when there is no coffee or milk, it’s really no skin off my back. You think these things happen on by accident? Nah. They’re just part of my larger plan to piss you off. And I know I’ve succeeded. 

Then I smile, just for a second. 

I hope you choke. I really, really do,
*******