Posts Tagged ‘interviewing’

Sorry I’m not inept enough for you

February 9, 2010

Dear *******, 

Thank you for your interest in the Executive Assistant – Chief Medical Office opportunity at ******** Hospitals; job number IRC122371. We have reviewed your resume and qualifications for this specific position / job number. While your skills and experience are impressive, we are pursuing applicants whose credentials more closely fit the requirements for this particular opportunity at ********** Hospitals. 

Please note that if you have applied to other positions /job numbers from the specific one noted above, you may view your status at anytime by logging on to our website, as there could be other opportunities in which you are being considered. 

Thank you again for your interest and we wish you success in your career endeavors. 

Sincerely, 
Recruitment Services
********* Hospitals

Dear Suckwad, 

Thanks for being completely inept at carrying out your recruiting process. As a fellow recruiter, I can recognize a job well done.  As a person who did do a recruiting job well, I can easily see when one falls short of  well, adequate or even competent.  In short you, sir, suck.  Like, suck-shit-through-a crazy-straw suck.  

It took you what now, 1 month and 1 day to simply tell me “no” after wasting my time -AGAIN- for 30 minutes on the phone? I mean hell, you didn’t even meet me face to face. An email takes 5 seconds for your assistant to cut/paste into being. 

Also, thanks for being the human equivalent of a maxipad on the telephone.  I’ve met typing paper with more of a presence than you.

I could give two shits about this job and find it HIGHlarious that you can’t recognize that someone with my experience would do anything but feign enthusiasm for this position. The recession has me by the balls and you think I aspire to be a glorified secretary?

Bitch, please. 

*******

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You Put the “Ass” in “Assets”

July 23, 2009

Dear *******,

 
Thank you for your recent application to join the staff of Teach For America.  We conducted a thorough and comprehensive review of your materials, and after careful consideration, unfortunately we are not able to offer you an interview at this time.

Thank you very much for taking the time to explore staff opportunities with Teach For America.  We sincerely appreciate your interest in contributing to the effort to end educational inequity and we wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Best regards,
 
The Human Assets Team
Teach For America
315 West 36th Street, 6th Floor
New York, NY 10018

212-279-2080, x303

A quick guide to understanding job ads

July 23, 2009

This is only the first in what i expect to be an ongoing and ever-expanding dictionary of job search terms. The phrase or term is followed by its real life definition: 

  • Interesting personalities – assholes.
  • Strong personalities – rude assholes.
  • Diverse environment – foreign assholes, also probably rude.
  • Dynamic team – assholes who drink after work together.
  • Sense of humour a must – you are expected to kiss the asses of assholes.
  • Attention to detail – the same asshole who complains that you ordered the wrong White-out once will spell your name wrong on your paycheck, personnel file, life insurance, dental insurance, tax forms, and every email for 8 months.
  • BA required – we will hire someone with a master’s degree but will only pay for a bachelor’s. State school degree-holders need not apply. 
  • Ability to multi-task – you’ll do the work of 2 people because we’re a nonprofit and we don’t have money in the budget for a proper staff.
  • Multi-lingual – your boss is foreign and you’ll have to figure out what the hell he’s trying to say.
  • High energy environment – about 5 assholes will yell at you and each other every day. 
  • Submit a resume with salary history – you’ll be lucky to make a living wage because we’re a nonprofit and say we have no money in the budget but pay our executive director 300,000 per year plus 6 weeks’ vacation.
  • Act as a liasion – you will be the ping-pong ball batted back and forth by warring departments.
  • Growing organization – we’re adding assholes left and right.
  • Superior oral and written communication skills – you need to be a mindreader to figure out what these assholes want.
  • Excellent interpersonal skills – your asshole boss will gossip about your superiors to you and expect you to chip in a few comments. You will have to try not to punch her. 
  • Learning experience – you’ll work for assholes who like to hear themselves talk.
  • Challenging position – you’ll also work nights and weekends.
  • Problem-solving skills – the executive director is 65, cannot use Outlook, will delete the shared contacts list and you will have to figure out how to add them again but not out her for the asshole she is.
  • Looking for someone who is motivated and dedicated – we will probably downsize you in 3 years, but until then we’ll be reading your emails to make sure you aren’t looking for a new job.

Smack a whale with a puppy wrapped in nuclear waste for the NRDC

July 19, 2009

Wow. It has been busy around here since I was on vacation. I returned all full of happy and New England and campingness to the

same.

old.

shit.

Dear *******

Thank you for your interest in employment opportunities with the Natural Resources Defense Council. Unfortunately, the NY – Program Assistant (Oceans & IT) position has been filled. Your resume will be kept on file with us for one year for any future opportunities with NRDC.

Please visit http://www.nrdc.org/jobs to view new open positions at NRDC. To access your account or change your contact information, please use the username and password you chose when you created your profile. We appreciate your interest in working with us, and your ongoing support of the environmental issues we represent.

Sincerely,

Human Resources

Natural Resources Defense Council

 

 

Dear NRDC,

Then, stop sending me requests for money. Seriously. If I am applying for a job, and being rejected repeatedly by your HR staff, I clearly have NO MONEY TO GIVE YOU. Yes, I agree that the work you do is valuable. If I didn’t, WHY THE HELL WOULD I BE TRYING OVER AND OVER TO WORK THERE?

While I understand you need money, being asked repeatedly for money when you refuse to hire me is just low. What, my labor isn’t good enough for you but my money is? Or is this a pay-to-play situation, where if I scratch your back, you scratch mine?

I guess I’m a masochist. I should have stopped applying oh, about 17 jobs ago. Hell, you didn’t even want me as a volunteer last year when I was unemployed and looking for something to do. What the hell. Is my labor really worth nothing? I can’t even give this shit away?

And yet, I still try, since I really really really want to do more for the environment than recycling newspapers and berating my friends for taking 10 minute showers or wanting to use the air-conditioner.

And you say no. Over and over and over.

To me you are not the Natural Resources Defense Council.

You are the Nonprofit Repeat Dream Crushers.

Fuck you,

*******

I’m totally glad I didn’t bother to send a thank you

July 19, 2009

Dear *******,

We greatly appreciate your interest in joining our staff at Global Health Strategies and were very impressed with your background and credentials. We also want to thank you for taking the time to speak with the Principal, ***** ****, over the phone.  At this point, we have decided to take the position in a different direction. We will keep your application on file should any future positions or project work become available at GHS.  

We wish you the best of luck in your continued job search and future endeavors.

All the best,

****** *****

Office Manager

Global Health Strategies

27 West 24th Street, Suite 900

New York, NY 10010

Tel: 212-929-7888 ext. 23

 

Meh. It’s totally cool, ****** ***** Office Manager. I just wasn’t that into you either. Especially after your Big Whodie-Who wasted 45 minutes of my time on a phone interview only to tell me the position doesn’t offer benefits, is temporary and will end after 4 months. 

That’s really the kind of thing you’d want to mention in the job ad. Otherwise, people like me waste 2″ of cyberspace applying, then telling the world how lame you are. 


No, YOU’RE the weakest link- call ’em and tell ’em that

July 6, 2009

Dear Applicant:

Thank you for your interest in the Program Assistant position at PolicyLink. This position has now been filled. Please see our website for future employment opportunities. Again, we thank you for your interest in working at PolicyLink, and wish you well in your employment search.

******* ********

HR Assistant

PolicyLink

1438 Webster Street, Suite 303

Oakland, CA 94612 (510) 663-2333 ext. 348

The Behavior Patterns of the Great North American Dillhole

June 30, 2009

Dear Earthjustice Office Manager,

Thank you for your rejection letter. While I know it isn’t from you, I still take it rather personally and I think we need to have a talk, sweetcheeks. Can I call you that? Sweetcheeks?

From one office manager to another, I know what it is like to be managed by everyone in the office, whether they’re your direct supervisor or not. I know what it is like to be referred to the “receptionist” and to watch day after day as the interns are treated better. I know what it is like to be given the title, but none of the power or respect that unjamming the copier should command. You think I don’t get ignored when I greet the people who’ve been here for months and have never once acknowledged my existence? EVERY FUCKING MORNING, that’s when. You think I don’t get harassed by telemarketers who accuse me of not getting laid when I ask to be removed from their call list? Tell me I’ve never had to refill the hand soap bottles, because my time is worth less than the cost of buying a huge container of liquid soap and manually refilling 24 bottles. Babycakes, I’m right there with you.

And yet, you followed the orders of your superiors, and kept a fellow desk jockey down, without even letting them through for an interview for a position that could be the only thing standing between them and a bottle of pills tonight. For no other reason that some other fuck who applied had a degree from Brown and a few summers of sucking ass at the NRDC. Or so I’m guessing. I’ve been deemed “unqualified” a lot of people much like your HR department, so you’ll have to forgive my bitterness, sweetcheeks.

You ought to know what it is like, 5 years temping your way through college only to end up at the bottom again after 5 years in a shit industry that nearly killed you followed by a career change after you got laid off. Or are you just another wannabe stand-up comedian who just wants a day job and stumbled upon this saving-the-earth gig? I mean, even if you are just doing this for the steady pay and benefits, you should still understand that other people have dreams and aspirations too.

Why didn’t you revolt? Say no to your boss. Put through candidates you want to work with, who seem interesting on paper and make the management talk to “nontraditional” applicants. “Accidentally” send out an invitation to me, get me in the office and at least let me have some facetime with an interviewer who can see that I’m not an idiot despite not having done the exact fucking job as described.

I have work experience, and volunteer experience, not to mention a die-hard environmental commitment. I rewash Ziplock baggies, for fuck’s sake. Last summer I interned with a “green” organization when I was laid off. I’m sorry I can’t afford to buy a master’s from Columbia, but the kitty’s a little low these days, what with the recession and my shit pay and my retarded need to not be homeless and hungry. Your organization would be getting a bargain, because I am not entry-level but hell, I’m offering to work for entry level pay if it means getting out of the hellhole job I’m in now.

Come on, why didn’t you go rogue? Do you identify with your oppressors? Stockholm syndrome and all that. You think that if you play the game, you’ll get a promotion, from Office Manager to maybe Program Assistant then Program Associate, then maybe even, Director of Sustainable Tristate Waterways Fucking Policy, and then you’ll get to do the Real Work of saving the World ™. Yeah, well I’ve got news for you assface. It don’t happen that way. They see you as an office manager, barely able to handle the Staples order, never-mind that you may have a whole secret inner world full of ideas, thoughts, plans, proposals, independent research and self-education. They’re amazed that you’re even able to make it to work wearing pants. Ya ain’t goin’ nowhere, kid, trust me. From one office manager to another.

Office Managers of the world should unite. We should get drunk and motherfucking riot. Burn this city down. Tar, toner and feather the upper management. Lemon juice and paper cuts for all. We’d have a blast, and if we got the other downtrodden pink collars (medical secretaries, personal assistants, cleaning ladies) on our side, we could easily shut Manhattan down. Yeah, but it won’t happen because of assholes. like. you.

They say you should behave as those behave in the position you aspire to. Clearly, asshole, you are middle-management material if I ever saw it.

I’ve sent your number to all my friends, so if you get a lot of calls asking about the plight of the Great North American Dillhole, just thank me. We know you’re not an endangered species.

Sincerely,

*******

We’re Just Not That Into You

June 30, 2009

I present exhibit #1:

Good afternoon,
Thank you for your interest in working with Earthjustice. As you might
imagine, we have received applications from many talented candidates.
Unfortunately, given our specific needs at this time, we cannot offer
you a position.
We wish you well in your future career pursuits.
Sincerely,

****** ******
Office Manager
Earthjustice
156 William Street, Suite 800
New York, NY 10038
*please consider the environment before printing

Oh, Earthjustice, I will consider the environment before printing. And I will respond to you tomorrow.