Posts Tagged ‘not really funny’

Absence

December 10, 2009

Just took some time to move to an area with an even worse job market, fail at life and find a new job to hate.  But mostly just fail at life. 

So, yeah, I guess this blog will in fact continue. 

And you thought I’d moved on and found personal happiness. Pfffft.

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Raison d’etre

August 25, 2009

Dear ********,

Maybe I really am only capable of answering the phones. But I’ll be goddamned if I do it for you any longer. 

Sincerely,

*******

Opportunity knocks

August 24, 2009

Dear ********,

I got the opportunity to not see you every day. I’m taking it. 

Go to hell,

*******

We interrupt your regularly scheduled ranting for this important announcement

August 21, 2009

The person they hired- rather than “promoting me”- got fired.  

You know. The one who was “more qualified” than me. 

Because aforementioned person -wait for it –

COULDN’T DO THE FUCKING JOB. 

and breathe in–

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHAH

HAHAHAHHAAHHAAHAH HAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

breathe– 

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHNHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH 

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH

HAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAHAH

Tonight, drinks are on me!

 

And now, back to your regularly scheduled ranting. 

Thanx,

-The Mgmt

“Maggots, Michael, you’re eating maggots.”

August 19, 2009

Dear ********,

I bet you’re wondering which wall(s) I hid the 10-day old raw shrimp in, huh.  Well, I reckon you’ll find the location(s) as soon as you find that part from the air conditioner, the keys to the restrooms and what’s left of my pride. 

Happy hunting, you rotten cunt,

*******

half-full

August 14, 2009

Dear Cunt-in-HR,

I technically don’t need to give you 2 weeks’ notice because you’re not my boss. But in lieu of punching you in the face on my way out,  I thought I’d share a little something before I leave. 

When you went to the field I was sure your plane would crash. It didn’t. I hoped you’d be taken hostage by Islamic militants. You weren’t. You returned to the office and continued your cuntastic ways. 

This weekend you’re going on vacation. Because I’m the eternal optimist, I know there IS a chance you could be mauled by a bear. There are at least 15 Lyme-disease laden ticks with your name on them.  People tell me there aren’t hordes of marading Somali pirates patrolling the New England woods but I beg to differ. And I still have faith that Satan himself will appear to drag you back to the firey pits from whence you came. 

Why? Just a little thing I like to call optimism. Some say the glass is half empty but I know better.

Even if those things don’t happen, there’s always next time. I’m sure of it.  And hell, writing all this made me happy too so I win either way. 

Sincerely,
MY NAME IS NOT HEY

Fuck you very much

August 13, 2009

Dear *******,

Yeah I’m going for the obvious here. You’re on my last nerve. 

Fuck off, 
*******

Energized

August 12, 2009

Dear ******,

When you told me I didn’t get the job I already do here, did you expect me to cry? Cuz when you sitting there blabbing, I was thinking how much I’d like to beat you with a pillowcase filled with batteries. 

Sincerely yours, 
*******

Duh

August 12, 2009

Dear *******,

When I expressed interest in making a lateral move within this organization (only to get away from your direct supervision, I might add), you and your cronies put me through a demeaning and insulting “recruitment” process, after I’ve been here 9 months doing 80% of the job-in-question already (check my timesheets, bitch). You then told me flat out if someone has more qualifications you’ll prefer them to me (I’m still checking on the legalities of that one). 

You then put me through a 1.5 hour interrogation, told me I’m not qualified to do the job I already do and hired someone with 7 years less experience than me. 

And you think I’m going to stay in this stupid job? 

I mean, seriously. 

*******

Cocktails

August 11, 2009

Dear Asshole,

I hate you because you ruin my Sunday nights. Somewhere around 4pm I realize that I have to go to work on Monday and the only way I can deal with that and knowing I’ll have to see you is by drinking heavily. 

I quit. If for no reason other than to save what’s left of my liver. 

You’re the human equivalent of a used condom, 

*******