Posts Tagged ‘office’

Freedom (or, Mindgames II)

February 24, 2010

Oh, XKCD, where would I be without you.  It’s like we share the same hive-mind or something

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Techniques of combat

September 17, 2009

Once upon a time, there was an office in Anyoffice, NY where Department 1 operations needed a new policy to deal with the workflow between Department 2.

Department 1 Supervisors Bitch and Cunt developed new policy for Department 1 to respond to need.  Boss Asshole has no idea what goes on, and because he is lazy, signs off on the policy (lucky for him, Bitch and Cunt are actually competant and wrote good policy, even if they are bitches and cunts.) 
Department adopted new policy where one did not exist. Policy is agreed upon by Departments 1 and 2. 

Boss Asshole informed Departments of new policy via email. 

Department 1 Worker A read email carefully and begins to follow new policy. 

Worker A takes care in detail-oriented work and policy helps to improve the ease in which Worker A is able to do the job. Worker A is pleased with new policy. 

When Worker A is presented with a situation that varies from the policy, Worker A sends an email to Supervisors Bitch and Cunt with questions, including background evidence so Supervisors B and C can make informed decisions. 

Supervisors B and C make decision, inform Worker A on how to proceed. 

Worker A carried out decision.  

Worker A carried on with job, newly productive due to clear policy and training. 

Boss Asshole is contacted by Department 2 Workers N, O and P from because they didn’t like the outcome of Worker A’s actions, although said actions were within policy, ultimately approved by Supervisors Bitch and Cunt and are necessary to completion of Department 1 work. Department 2 has no jurisdiction over this work. 

Instead of explaining to Workers N, O and P that actions were carried out due to policy set in place and agreed-upon by all departments, AND that actions were just given the situation in question, Boss Asshole called Worker A into office. 

Boss Asshole repeatedly wasted 45 min-1 hour of  Worker A’s time by demanding that Worker A explain all of Worker A’s actions.

Worker A is made to feel incompetant, defensive, micromanaged and has intelligence insulted by Boss Asshole.

Worker A also gets sick of being punished for doing job. 

Worker A quickly loses interest in doing job, because work will just be redone by Workers N, O and P each time they complain to Boss Asshole, who won’t stand up for Worker A, Department 1 or policy. 

Worker A stops being proactive and productive. 

Worker A sends everything to Supervisors Bitch and Cunt, even for standard situations that fall well within policy and which Worker A regularly handled successfully in the past. 

Worker A generates 35% more email every day, with questions to fill up Supervisors Bitch and Cunt’s email boxes. 

Supervisors Bitch and Cunt are required to answer all questions. If they do not, Worker A is prevented from being able to do job. Work slows and Bitch and Cunt are held responsible. 

Worker A sees success in this new system, and adopts in all facets of job. 

Worker A no longer answers any questions and sends all questions up the chain of management, clogging the system and slowing the ability of the office to get things done.

Worker A basks in inefficiency and spends extra time looking for jobs on the interwebs while planning weekend seminars to teach similarly oppressed workers the newest techniques of combat and reading cooking blogs.

Youth Gone Wild

September 4, 2009

Dear Asshole,

Check it.

Since I was born they couldn’t hold me down. Another misfit kid, another burned-out town. Never played by the rules I never really cared. My nasty reputation takes me everywhere.


I look and see it’s not only me. So many others have stood where I stand.  We are the young so raise your hands.  

They call us problem child. We spend our lives on trial. We walk an endless mile.  We are the youth gone wild.  We stand and we won’t fall. We’re the one and one for all. The writing’s on the wall. We are the youth gone wild. 

Boss screamin’ in my ear about who I’m supposed to be. Getcha a 3-piece Wall Street smile and son you’ll look just like me.  I said “Hey man, there’s something that you oughta know. I tell ya Park Avenue leads to Skid Row.”  I look and see it’s not only me. We’re standin’ tall ain’t never a doubt. We are the young, so shout it out 

They call us problem child. We spend our lives on trial. We walk an endless mile. We are the youth gone wild. We stand and we won’t fall.  We’re the one and one for all.  The writing’s on the wall.  We are the youth gone wild.

FUCK THIS SHIT. 

*******

Understandable

August 31, 2009

 

Dear HR Department:  

I hate you. I can’t do anything about it but drink heavily and vent to my friends. Oh yeah, and leave in 2 weeks. But before then,  I want to leave you with my parting wishes. 

******: It is so hard, given that I hate you so much. I don’t call you a cunt for nothing. I know in the past I wished you caught various diseases, were mangled in a horrible plane crash in Uganda or maybe got audited by the IRS. 

But then I found the best thing I could wish for you. 

May you have a dead-end, low-paying, brain-numbing, unimaginative, thankless job where you get no respect, have no control over your duties, are micromanaged by an idiot douchebag, have no opportunity for advancement, use no creative thinking skills, do the same thing over and over and fucking over again and deal with assholes who look down their noses at you out of a misguided European superiority complex, sense of entitlement classist contempt. 

In short, may you become an Office Manager. 

******: I don’t know you. But your claw hand weirds me out. May you learn the wonders of depilatory, because curly black hairs on a lady’s chin just skeeve me out. 

******: May you make the best of your brittle bone disease and break a few more phalanges, a tibia, and maybe crack that thick skull of yours. 

With kindest wishes,
*******

Sarkasm, I haz it

August 26, 2009

Dear ********,

You’re going to indulge me while I engage in a past time we Americans like to call “snark.” It is really quite simple. Just try to keep up. 

 

You want me to count the number of pens and pencils in the office rather than work on recruitment when I have 4 urgent posts open? SURE. 

You sent me an email entitled “papertowel management” and expect me to respond? SURE. 

After deeming me “unqualified” for the job I already do, you hire a new HR Assistant and expect me to TRAIN her? SURE. 

So, do you get the general structure of the game? Let’s try the next level. 

You fire the HR Assistant who was MORE QUALIFIED THAN ME, then dump her duties on our intern -who incidently also interviewed for the HR Assistant job but was deemed unqualified AND was nice enough to kill some time in the office while trying to get a job? SURE. 

You not only dump the duties onto Unqualified Person #2 (Intern) but you expect her to do the job you wouldn’t pay her to do? SURE. 

You ask prioritize the collection all desk keys in the office, tag them, label them, put them in labeled envelopes, then have the person with the corresponding desk sign and seal the envelope of the key after I got back from vacation, and have about 10 days of emails? PS:  $40 in key copies later, and no less than 10 staff members tell me they don’t lock their desks anyway. SURE.

You tell me that you see me only as an office manager and expect me to stay here? SURE. 

Jesusfuck, this game is like Monopoly. It can seriously go on forever. Or for the next 2 weeks. 

Which, while having to deal with you, feels like forever. 

UGH, FUCKING DROP DEAD ALREADY,
*******

Raison d’etre

August 25, 2009

Dear ********,

Maybe I really am only capable of answering the phones. But I’ll be goddamned if I do it for you any longer. 

Sincerely,

*******

Performance Review

August 24, 2009

 

Dear ********,  

Since I’m leaving in 2 weeks, I thought I’d leave you with your performance review before I go instead of writing my actual resignation letter here. You can read my formal evaluation as sent via separate email, but I thought I’d include a simple summary here: 

You suck. 

Seriously.

I mean, wow. 

WOW,
*******

Opportunity knocks

August 24, 2009

Dear ********,

I got the opportunity to not see you every day. I’m taking it. 

Go to hell,

*******

We interrupt your regularly scheduled ranting for this important announcement

August 21, 2009

The person they hired- rather than “promoting me”- got fired.  

You know. The one who was “more qualified” than me. 

Because aforementioned person -wait for it –

COULDN’T DO THE FUCKING JOB. 

and breathe in–

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHAH

HAHAHAHHAAHHAAHAH HAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

breathe– 

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHNHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH 

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH

HAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAHAH

Tonight, drinks are on me!

 

And now, back to your regularly scheduled ranting. 

Thanx,

-The Mgmt

Nice pants

August 19, 2009

Dear *******,

I want to thank you for wearing your stupid swishy pants. It has made my time much easier here and for that I am grateful. See, when I heard you swishing down the hall, I knew exactly how many seconds I had to quickly switch Internet windows from job hunting/blog reading/apartment searching/blogging/emailing/chatting back to something work-related. 

Best regards, 
*******