Posts Tagged ‘philosophy’

The light at the end of the tunnel

September 15, 2009

Dear ********,

 This letter is to give two weeks’ notice of my intent to leave my position as Office Manager/HR Assistant with (Organization Which Doesn’t Deserve Your Generous Funds).  I have decided to accept another position where I have a chance for professional growth and where my skills will be better utilized. 

I’d like to wish you and your organization all the best in your future endeavors. 



Youth Gone Wild

September 4, 2009

Dear Asshole,

Check it.

Since I was born they couldn’t hold me down. Another misfit kid, another burned-out town. Never played by the rules I never really cared. My nasty reputation takes me everywhere.

I look and see it’s not only me. So many others have stood where I stand.  We are the young so raise your hands.  

They call us problem child. We spend our lives on trial. We walk an endless mile.  We are the youth gone wild.  We stand and we won’t fall. We’re the one and one for all. The writing’s on the wall. We are the youth gone wild. 

Boss screamin’ in my ear about who I’m supposed to be. Getcha a 3-piece Wall Street smile and son you’ll look just like me.  I said “Hey man, there’s something that you oughta know. I tell ya Park Avenue leads to Skid Row.”  I look and see it’s not only me. We’re standin’ tall ain’t never a doubt. We are the young, so shout it out 

They call us problem child. We spend our lives on trial. We walk an endless mile. We are the youth gone wild. We stand and we won’t fall.  We’re the one and one for all.  The writing’s on the wall.  We are the youth gone wild.



With friends like you, who needs friends

September 2, 2009

Dear *****,

When I started here, you were my friend. 
A fairly good one upon whom I could depend. 
You helped me get a job here; 
You said it would help me get a new career. 

And I was dumb enough to believe,
that nothing else was up your sleeve. 
I wanted just to get off the dole, 
being laid off for 5 months and in the hole. 

But that’s the last “nice” thing you did for me.
Though on that, I doubt you’ll agree. 
You’re a cunt, through and through. 
They’re assholes here, and so are you. 

You forgot to mention so much about this place, 
that someone would always be in my face. 
Micromanage, complain, nitpick and then,
talk about it behind my back again and again. 

Zero respect from the staff. 
“Valued employee?” Yeah, that’s a laugh.
People don’t even bother to correctly spell my name
but from me they demand the same? 

Reporting to 7? 10?  bosses all day long,
whose demands put me in a game of ping pong. 
So fucking sick of their conflicting demands, 
and of you watching from the stands. 

Win a battle, lose the war. 
Turns out, you too are my supervisor. 
Fuck, if you mentioned that before I came, 
I’d have laughed so hard you’d have burst into flame. 

NO, I don’t want to meet up with you for a drink. 
NO, I won’t care what the rest of our friends think. 
I honestly hate you, you self-centered whore. 
You deserve all that is coming to you and then some more. 

I’m glad I’ve seen your true make. 
your whole persona is just that: fake. 
I hope you break more bones, you fucking shrew. 
I really, truly, doodley-do.


August 31, 2009


Dear HR Department:  

I hate you. I can’t do anything about it but drink heavily and vent to my friends. Oh yeah, and leave in 2 weeks. But before then,  I want to leave you with my parting wishes. 

******: It is so hard, given that I hate you so much. I don’t call you a cunt for nothing. I know in the past I wished you caught various diseases, were mangled in a horrible plane crash in Uganda or maybe got audited by the IRS. 

But then I found the best thing I could wish for you. 

May you have a dead-end, low-paying, brain-numbing, unimaginative, thankless job where you get no respect, have no control over your duties, are micromanaged by an idiot douchebag, have no opportunity for advancement, use no creative thinking skills, do the same thing over and over and fucking over again and deal with assholes who look down their noses at you out of a misguided European superiority complex, sense of entitlement classist contempt. 

In short, may you become an Office Manager. 

******: I don’t know you. But your claw hand weirds me out. May you learn the wonders of depilatory, because curly black hairs on a lady’s chin just skeeve me out. 

******: May you make the best of your brittle bone disease and break a few more phalanges, a tibia, and maybe crack that thick skull of yours. 

With kindest wishes,

Performance Review

August 24, 2009


Dear ********,  

Since I’m leaving in 2 weeks, I thought I’d leave you with your performance review before I go instead of writing my actual resignation letter here. You can read my formal evaluation as sent via separate email, but I thought I’d include a simple summary here: 

You suck. 


I mean, wow. 


“Maggots, Michael, you’re eating maggots.”

August 19, 2009

Dear ********,

I bet you’re wondering which wall(s) I hid the 10-day old raw shrimp in, huh.  Well, I reckon you’ll find the location(s) as soon as you find that part from the air conditioner, the keys to the restrooms and what’s left of my pride. 

Happy hunting, you rotten cunt,


Life is Good ™

August 19, 2009

Dear ********,

Every day I come to work I want to steal that poster bearing the girl out of the douche ad that screams “No joy in life? FREE DEPRESSION SCREENING.”  

It would go so well with the collection of Prozac ads that once hung above my bed. 

God knows I’ve been depressed for every one of the 372 days I’ve been employed here. Anyway, I’m taking it in 2 weeks. Try and stop me. 



August 12, 2009

Dear *******,

When I expressed interest in making a lateral move within this organization (only to get away from your direct supervision, I might add), you and your cronies put me through a demeaning and insulting “recruitment” process, after I’ve been here 9 months doing 80% of the job-in-question already (check my timesheets, bitch). You then told me flat out if someone has more qualifications you’ll prefer them to me (I’m still checking on the legalities of that one). 

You then put me through a 1.5 hour interrogation, told me I’m not qualified to do the job I already do and hired someone with 7 years less experience than me. 

And you think I’m going to stay in this stupid job? 

I mean, seriously. 



August 4, 2009

Dear ******,

First, please print a copy of this for your easy reference.  

Second, please sit down and have a sip of coffee. 

Third, enjoy. 

In lieu of the standard 2 weeks’ notice, I’ve decided to smear everything in your office with raw chicken. Your phone? Yup.  Your door handles? Yup. Desk top? Check.  Every key, crevice and contour of your keyboard, your coffee mug, your pens and pencils, your bag of almonds- you better believe every possible surface has been hit. It’s in your paperclips, your stapler,  and your fountain pen. Yes siree, I filled your chair with raw fowl, washed your windows with it, and I even took the liberty of replacing your mouthwash with mint-flavored chicken water. 

By the time you read this, you will be in the throes of salmonella.  I just thought I’d provide you with some….reading material. You’re gonna be in the mens’ room for a long, long time. 

Sing it with me now!

La la la, salmonella, 


Memo: To the cunt in HR

August 1, 2009


Re: addressing your staff

Re: my name is not “HEY”

Re: I am also not one of your girls:

enclosure: 9 to 5 (thank you IMDB)

Violet: Okay… okay, I’m gonna leave, but I’ll tell you one thing… don’t you ever refer to me as ‘your girl’ again. 
Franklin M. Hart Jr.: What is God’s name are you talking about? 
Violet: I’ll tell you what I’m talking about; I’m no girl, I’m a woman. I’m not you wife… OR your mother. 
Violet: [gesturing toward Doralee] Or even your mistress. 
Doralee: What? 
Violet: I am your employee and as such I expect to be treated with a little dignity and a little respect!

God, I totally forgot how funny this movie is. Thank you WE Tv for reminding me; when you’re not running stupid shit shows about sextuplets, you actually show some fun stuff.