Posts Tagged ‘professional’

Zebra Stripes

September 9, 2009

Dear Asshole,

You’re a prick. A dick. An asshole. A jerk, a tool, a douchebag. There’s no getting around it. True, you come off as a semi-decent person in the beginning. Assholes always do. But that decency is just a thin layer of slime over the slug that you really are. If I could drown you in salt and beer, believe me, I would have a thousand times over. 

When the former office manager – who reported to you for 3 years- died, you sent out an intern to buy a card for the family and told me to just pick some bunch of flowers, but not to spend too much.  You call me into your office every month or so to tell me how much I suck at life, the universe and everything, but never quite get a toe over the line where I could actually do something about it and sue this you and this fucking organization for abuse or harrassment.  You tell me my co workers don’t like me but refuse to tell me who or what was said exactly, and expect this to be some sort of motivation that improves my performance.  You tell me I suck at my job, yet fire the person who was “more qualified” than I am. You eavesdrop on other people’s conversations, check their email and listen in on their phone calls.  

You’re an asshole. I hate you. Simple statement of facts. I know now that before I was here, you were an asshole. I know that after I’m gone, you will be an asshole. A zebra doesn’t change its stripes so I don’t expect you to ever stop being an asshole.  

My only hope is that I made your life just that much more annoying and difficult. You’re small and petty and let things like that get to you. Every time you send me a snotty email when there is no coffee or milk, it’s really no skin off my back. You think these things happen on by accident? Nah. They’re just part of my larger plan to piss you off. And I know I’ve succeeded. 

Then I smile, just for a second. 

I hope you choke. I really, really do,
*******

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Youth Gone Wild

September 4, 2009

Dear Asshole,

Check it.

Since I was born they couldn’t hold me down. Another misfit kid, another burned-out town. Never played by the rules I never really cared. My nasty reputation takes me everywhere.


I look and see it’s not only me. So many others have stood where I stand.  We are the young so raise your hands.  

They call us problem child. We spend our lives on trial. We walk an endless mile.  We are the youth gone wild.  We stand and we won’t fall. We’re the one and one for all. The writing’s on the wall. We are the youth gone wild. 

Boss screamin’ in my ear about who I’m supposed to be. Getcha a 3-piece Wall Street smile and son you’ll look just like me.  I said “Hey man, there’s something that you oughta know. I tell ya Park Avenue leads to Skid Row.”  I look and see it’s not only me. We’re standin’ tall ain’t never a doubt. We are the young, so shout it out 

They call us problem child. We spend our lives on trial. We walk an endless mile. We are the youth gone wild. We stand and we won’t fall.  We’re the one and one for all.  The writing’s on the wall.  We are the youth gone wild.

FUCK THIS SHIT. 

*******

Understandable

August 31, 2009

 

Dear HR Department:  

I hate you. I can’t do anything about it but drink heavily and vent to my friends. Oh yeah, and leave in 2 weeks. But before then,  I want to leave you with my parting wishes. 

******: It is so hard, given that I hate you so much. I don’t call you a cunt for nothing. I know in the past I wished you caught various diseases, were mangled in a horrible plane crash in Uganda or maybe got audited by the IRS. 

But then I found the best thing I could wish for you. 

May you have a dead-end, low-paying, brain-numbing, unimaginative, thankless job where you get no respect, have no control over your duties, are micromanaged by an idiot douchebag, have no opportunity for advancement, use no creative thinking skills, do the same thing over and over and fucking over again and deal with assholes who look down their noses at you out of a misguided European superiority complex, sense of entitlement classist contempt. 

In short, may you become an Office Manager. 

******: I don’t know you. But your claw hand weirds me out. May you learn the wonders of depilatory, because curly black hairs on a lady’s chin just skeeve me out. 

******: May you make the best of your brittle bone disease and break a few more phalanges, a tibia, and maybe crack that thick skull of yours. 

With kindest wishes,
*******

Raison d’etre

August 25, 2009

Dear ********,

Maybe I really am only capable of answering the phones. But I’ll be goddamned if I do it for you any longer. 

Sincerely,

*******

“Maggots, Michael, you’re eating maggots.”

August 19, 2009

Dear ********,

I bet you’re wondering which wall(s) I hid the 10-day old raw shrimp in, huh.  Well, I reckon you’ll find the location(s) as soon as you find that part from the air conditioner, the keys to the restrooms and what’s left of my pride. 

Happy hunting, you rotten cunt,

*******

Life is Good ™

August 19, 2009

Dear ********,

Every day I come to work I want to steal that poster bearing the girl out of the douche ad that screams “No joy in life? FREE DEPRESSION SCREENING.”  

It would go so well with the collection of Prozac ads that once hung above my bed. 

God knows I’ve been depressed for every one of the 372 days I’ve been employed here. Anyway, I’m taking it in 2 weeks. Try and stop me. 

Sincerely, 
*******

Kitchen Aide

August 18, 2009

Dear ********,

I am quitting in 2 weeks because I did not go to college for 5 years to be a kitchen attendant. Milk. Coffee. Sugar. Refill the soaps. Clean the dishes people leave. Clean out the refrigerator after someone has left what may have been pad thai for 5 months. Wipe up your crumbs. Milk. Coffee. Sugar. Coffee filters. Refill the soaps. Milk. Coffee. Sugar. Buy more papertowels. According to you, my job begins and ends in the kitchen.  

So don’t bother to interview anyone to replace me. Just send them out with $10 and your garbled French instructions and see what they come back with. If they don’t run off with the money, and manage to get even 1 of the million stupid kitchen things you check every day, they’re your new office manager. 

I hope someday you drown in a vat of Palmolive, you waste of sperm and eggs. 

Sincerely, 
*******

Energized

August 12, 2009

Dear ******,

When you told me I didn’t get the job I already do here, did you expect me to cry? Cuz when you sitting there blabbing, I was thinking how much I’d like to beat you with a pillowcase filled with batteries. 

Sincerely yours, 
*******

Duh

August 12, 2009

Dear *******,

When I expressed interest in making a lateral move within this organization (only to get away from your direct supervision, I might add), you and your cronies put me through a demeaning and insulting “recruitment” process, after I’ve been here 9 months doing 80% of the job-in-question already (check my timesheets, bitch). You then told me flat out if someone has more qualifications you’ll prefer them to me (I’m still checking on the legalities of that one). 

You then put me through a 1.5 hour interrogation, told me I’m not qualified to do the job I already do and hired someone with 7 years less experience than me. 

And you think I’m going to stay in this stupid job? 

I mean, seriously. 

*******

Cocktails

August 11, 2009

Dear Asshole,

I hate you because you ruin my Sunday nights. Somewhere around 4pm I realize that I have to go to work on Monday and the only way I can deal with that and knowing I’ll have to see you is by drinking heavily. 

I quit. If for no reason other than to save what’s left of my liver. 

You’re the human equivalent of a used condom, 

*******