Posts Tagged ‘recession’

The Glued-on Smile

March 3, 2010

Every February-ish I’m listing to one song or another from Skinny Puppy on repeat. Like, Repeat. With a capital blowmyearsout. This year, of course, is no exception. Apart from the car I drive whilst listing to aforementioned song, and contemplating taking a wrong turn into a telephone pole. 

Of course the live version video is better but this is here for clarity’s sake. Hah. Clarity.

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Sorry I’m not inept enough for you

February 9, 2010

Dear *******, 

Thank you for your interest in the Executive Assistant – Chief Medical Office opportunity at ******** Hospitals; job number IRC122371. We have reviewed your resume and qualifications for this specific position / job number. While your skills and experience are impressive, we are pursuing applicants whose credentials more closely fit the requirements for this particular opportunity at ********** Hospitals. 

Please note that if you have applied to other positions /job numbers from the specific one noted above, you may view your status at anytime by logging on to our website, as there could be other opportunities in which you are being considered. 

Thank you again for your interest and we wish you success in your career endeavors. 

Sincerely, 
Recruitment Services
********* Hospitals

Dear Suckwad, 

Thanks for being completely inept at carrying out your recruiting process. As a fellow recruiter, I can recognize a job well done.  As a person who did do a recruiting job well, I can easily see when one falls short of  well, adequate or even competent.  In short you, sir, suck.  Like, suck-shit-through-a crazy-straw suck.  

It took you what now, 1 month and 1 day to simply tell me “no” after wasting my time -AGAIN- for 30 minutes on the phone? I mean hell, you didn’t even meet me face to face. An email takes 5 seconds for your assistant to cut/paste into being. 

Also, thanks for being the human equivalent of a maxipad on the telephone.  I’ve met typing paper with more of a presence than you.

I could give two shits about this job and find it HIGHlarious that you can’t recognize that someone with my experience would do anything but feign enthusiasm for this position. The recession has me by the balls and you think I aspire to be a glorified secretary?

Bitch, please. 

*******

Rich old white men

January 6, 2010

Dear Corporate,

Pull your heads out of your asses and quit cutting my hours.  You don’t get to decide when or why I will quit. I do. Cutting my hours to the point where I can no longer feed or house myself is tipping the scales in your favour.  You don’t declare my 2 weeks’ notice. I DO. 

While George Bush said working 3 jobs is “uniquely American” , I call it BULLSHIT NECESSARY WHEN FACED BY A LACK OF A LIVING WAGE, OR STEADY HOURS FOR THOSE STUCK BEING PAID BY THE HOUR. 

I CANNOT SAY FUCK YOU LOUD ENOUGH OR HARD ENOUGH TODAY. 

This could be the year where I become eligible for food stamps,

*******

Of all the times for my phone not to have a camera…

December 23, 2009

To adopt a more “positive outlook on life” (shut the fuck up), I’ve decided to share An Awesome Thing From This Week ™. This week:

My cowworker (you read right. It isn’t a typo. She’s a fucking cow.) wrote a poem about our place of employment and left it on the table in the breakroom. 

Yep.  

A poem.

A motherfucking poem.  Jumpin’ jesus on a pogo stick. I can’t make this shit up. 

And yep. My phone doesn’t have a camera so I have no way of getting it out into the world, where it ought to be, save for texting a line of it every day to my bff, with the hopes that she will transcribe in careful calligraphy strokes onto handmade parchment in purple ink crushed from the shells of rare snails.  

Because the poem is seriously. Just. That. Good. 

Stay tuned, faithful readers. All 5 of you. 

PS: Also this week, a 9 year-old told me her dream in life is to sew clothes and give them away to poor people, and that this is a plan she and her friends discussed. OMG. Seriously, my heart grew like 100x like that scene from the Grinch Who Stole Christmas because this fucking kid made my day. 

But whatevs, I know the 5 of you don’t read to hear what fucking makes me happy.

Absence

December 10, 2009

Just took some time to move to an area with an even worse job market, fail at life and find a new job to hate.  But mostly just fail at life. 

So, yeah, I guess this blog will in fact continue. 

And you thought I’d moved on and found personal happiness. Pfffft.

I have literally listened to this every day on the way to work for 3 months

July 25, 2009

Clicky clicky folks.

(But seriously, dammit Le Tigre. Why don’t you have a video of people dancing around on Youtube that I could easily embed in my blog.)

Some of us don’t have fancypants paid accounts that let us upload our own mp3 files here, you know. 

 This jam is for everyone who’s raging against the machine.

You Put the “Ass” in “Assets”

July 23, 2009

Dear *******,

 
Thank you for your recent application to join the staff of Teach For America.  We conducted a thorough and comprehensive review of your materials, and after careful consideration, unfortunately we are not able to offer you an interview at this time.

Thank you very much for taking the time to explore staff opportunities with Teach For America.  We sincerely appreciate your interest in contributing to the effort to end educational inequity and we wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Best regards,
 
The Human Assets Team
Teach For America
315 West 36th Street, 6th Floor
New York, NY 10018

212-279-2080, x303

A quick guide to understanding job ads

July 23, 2009

This is only the first in what i expect to be an ongoing and ever-expanding dictionary of job search terms. The phrase or term is followed by its real life definition: 

  • Interesting personalities – assholes.
  • Strong personalities – rude assholes.
  • Diverse environment – foreign assholes, also probably rude.
  • Dynamic team – assholes who drink after work together.
  • Sense of humour a must – you are expected to kiss the asses of assholes.
  • Attention to detail – the same asshole who complains that you ordered the wrong White-out once will spell your name wrong on your paycheck, personnel file, life insurance, dental insurance, tax forms, and every email for 8 months.
  • BA required – we will hire someone with a master’s degree but will only pay for a bachelor’s. State school degree-holders need not apply. 
  • Ability to multi-task – you’ll do the work of 2 people because we’re a nonprofit and we don’t have money in the budget for a proper staff.
  • Multi-lingual – your boss is foreign and you’ll have to figure out what the hell he’s trying to say.
  • High energy environment – about 5 assholes will yell at you and each other every day. 
  • Submit a resume with salary history – you’ll be lucky to make a living wage because we’re a nonprofit and say we have no money in the budget but pay our executive director 300,000 per year plus 6 weeks’ vacation.
  • Act as a liasion – you will be the ping-pong ball batted back and forth by warring departments.
  • Growing organization – we’re adding assholes left and right.
  • Superior oral and written communication skills – you need to be a mindreader to figure out what these assholes want.
  • Excellent interpersonal skills – your asshole boss will gossip about your superiors to you and expect you to chip in a few comments. You will have to try not to punch her. 
  • Learning experience – you’ll work for assholes who like to hear themselves talk.
  • Challenging position – you’ll also work nights and weekends.
  • Problem-solving skills – the executive director is 65, cannot use Outlook, will delete the shared contacts list and you will have to figure out how to add them again but not out her for the asshole she is.
  • Looking for someone who is motivated and dedicated – we will probably downsize you in 3 years, but until then we’ll be reading your emails to make sure you aren’t looking for a new job.

Smack a whale with a puppy wrapped in nuclear waste for the NRDC

July 19, 2009

Wow. It has been busy around here since I was on vacation. I returned all full of happy and New England and campingness to the

same.

old.

shit.

Dear *******

Thank you for your interest in employment opportunities with the Natural Resources Defense Council. Unfortunately, the NY – Program Assistant (Oceans & IT) position has been filled. Your resume will be kept on file with us for one year for any future opportunities with NRDC.

Please visit http://www.nrdc.org/jobs to view new open positions at NRDC. To access your account or change your contact information, please use the username and password you chose when you created your profile. We appreciate your interest in working with us, and your ongoing support of the environmental issues we represent.

Sincerely,

Human Resources

Natural Resources Defense Council

 

 

Dear NRDC,

Then, stop sending me requests for money. Seriously. If I am applying for a job, and being rejected repeatedly by your HR staff, I clearly have NO MONEY TO GIVE YOU. Yes, I agree that the work you do is valuable. If I didn’t, WHY THE HELL WOULD I BE TRYING OVER AND OVER TO WORK THERE?

While I understand you need money, being asked repeatedly for money when you refuse to hire me is just low. What, my labor isn’t good enough for you but my money is? Or is this a pay-to-play situation, where if I scratch your back, you scratch mine?

I guess I’m a masochist. I should have stopped applying oh, about 17 jobs ago. Hell, you didn’t even want me as a volunteer last year when I was unemployed and looking for something to do. What the hell. Is my labor really worth nothing? I can’t even give this shit away?

And yet, I still try, since I really really really want to do more for the environment than recycling newspapers and berating my friends for taking 10 minute showers or wanting to use the air-conditioner.

And you say no. Over and over and over.

To me you are not the Natural Resources Defense Council.

You are the Nonprofit Repeat Dream Crushers.

Fuck you,

*******

I’m totally glad I didn’t bother to send a thank you

July 19, 2009

Dear *******,

We greatly appreciate your interest in joining our staff at Global Health Strategies and were very impressed with your background and credentials. We also want to thank you for taking the time to speak with the Principal, ***** ****, over the phone.  At this point, we have decided to take the position in a different direction. We will keep your application on file should any future positions or project work become available at GHS.  

We wish you the best of luck in your continued job search and future endeavors.

All the best,

****** *****

Office Manager

Global Health Strategies

27 West 24th Street, Suite 900

New York, NY 10010

Tel: 212-929-7888 ext. 23

 

Meh. It’s totally cool, ****** ***** Office Manager. I just wasn’t that into you either. Especially after your Big Whodie-Who wasted 45 minutes of my time on a phone interview only to tell me the position doesn’t offer benefits, is temporary and will end after 4 months. 

That’s really the kind of thing you’d want to mention in the job ad. Otherwise, people like me waste 2″ of cyberspace applying, then telling the world how lame you are.