Posts Tagged ‘recession’

That Extra Special Touch

July 1, 2009


Dear Asshole,   

I’m leaving in 2 weeks and I couldn’t be happier. Not only will I never have to see you again, I will leave knowing that for the past 10 months, I spat in the milk each Monday morning. I bought you Folgers because I know all you snobby Frenchies hate American coffee and because your way of telling me we’re out of coffee was to leave the empty bag on my chair before I got into work.  When you left the empty bag of sugar on my chair instead of asking me to buy more sugar, I added a little extra I like to call bird shit to the new 5lb bag.

All in all, I think I did pretty good given the very narrow parameters of the amount of rebellion I could unleash and still manage to collect a paycheck.

I hate you. 

Fuck you,


Fuck you. Fuck you very very much.

July 1, 2009

Dear *******,

The experience I’ve had here has shown me that incompetence is rewarded even in the nonprofit world, with you as a shining example. Your title does not make you more competent than me, only your fucking sense of European superiority.  The truth is, if you disappeared the department would not only continue, but would flourish without being interrupted by your constant meddling. It sickens me that you make nearly 3 times what I do. My only regret during my time here is that I did not beat you with my telephone. 

With utmost sincerity,

We’re Just Not That Into You

June 30, 2009

I present exhibit #1:

Good afternoon,
Thank you for your interest in working with Earthjustice. As you might
imagine, we have received applications from many talented candidates.
Unfortunately, given our specific needs at this time, we cannot offer
you a position.
We wish you well in your future career pursuits.

****** ******
Office Manager
156 William Street, Suite 800
New York, NY 10038
*please consider the environment before printing

Oh, Earthjustice, I will consider the environment before printing. And I will respond to you tomorrow.

bigger fish to fry

June 26, 2009

Dear Executive Director,

As you’ve probably heard, I’m leaving in 2 weeks. No? You didn’t hear? Of course not; it is so hard to get the scoop all the way up there in your ivory tower. 

But yeah, I’m leaving so I thought I’d give you a special shout-out, since we’ve had so many good times together. 

What I will remember most about our awesome times together is that after 10 months of working together, you have never once spelled my name correctly. Your determination to make me Jewish and Old Testamentize the spelling of my name is really unparalleled.  Seriously, 100 points for your determination.  I mean,  my name has been on hundreds of emails, every day, there at the bottom. You know, the emails you respond to, and still spell my name wrong?  It isn’t a difficult name. My parents chose it mainly because it was the only thing they could agree on, but also because it is common without being like, Bob, or something. 

It really takes balls, or actually gall in your case, to absolutely refuse to note my name and who I am.  Few have done it so consistently and with such tenacity. But I guess that’s what has earned you that $400,000 you make as an executive director of a NONPROFIT.  

So yeah, I know you have bigger things on your mind than to note the spelling of the person who answers your phones, and runs your office.  I know you’ve never had to work a shit job for shit pay because it is all you could get with your state school BA that you paid for by temping every summer and mortgaging your future to a college loan that you’re still not sure if you’ll ever pay off.  

Oh. Sorry, I saw your eyes glaze over there for a minute, when I was telling you about how us proles live. I can only imagine how hard it’s been for you to  be a privileged white bitch.

Well I’ll let you go. I know you have so many important things to do. I mean, god, you’ve got little starving orphans to save. You’re saving life! You’re securing the future. You’re putting food into their poor wasted little hands. Well, actually not YOU, but you know what I mean. 

 And the best part is, you never even have to learn their names. 

Sincerely yours, 


vodka for breakfast, sleeping pills for dinner

June 26, 2009

Dear *******,

I will be leaving this shithole of a job, and will not look back. I truly hate you, as I have never hated another boss, and I’ve worked in _______, so that is really saying a lot. I have decided to accept unemployment because the thought of working for you another day is what has driven me to purchase a .45. 


I also hope you get SARs

June 25, 2009

Dear  *******,

I have decided to accept another position because you are the most spineless, two-faced asshole of a manager I have ever had the misfortune to work with.  I want to thank you for the opportunity I’ve had to be continually placed in situations I cannot win under your mismanagement, and then blamed for my own shortcomings. You are a fuck and I continually pray for your plane to crash each time you go to France