Posts Tagged ‘team building’

Of all the times for my phone not to have a camera…

December 23, 2009

To adopt a more “positive outlook on life” (shut the fuck up), I’ve decided to share An Awesome Thing From This Week ™. This week:

My cowworker (you read right. It isn’t a typo. She’s a fucking cow.) wrote a poem about our place of employment and left it on the table in the breakroom. 

Yep.  

A poem.

A motherfucking poem.  Jumpin’ jesus on a pogo stick. I can’t make this shit up. 

And yep. My phone doesn’t have a camera so I have no way of getting it out into the world, where it ought to be, save for texting a line of it every day to my bff, with the hopes that she will transcribe in careful calligraphy strokes onto handmade parchment in purple ink crushed from the shells of rare snails.  

Because the poem is seriously. Just. That. Good. 

Stay tuned, faithful readers. All 5 of you. 

PS: Also this week, a 9 year-old told me her dream in life is to sew clothes and give them away to poor people, and that this is a plan she and her friends discussed. OMG. Seriously, my heart grew like 100x like that scene from the Grinch Who Stole Christmas because this fucking kid made my day. 

But whatevs, I know the 5 of you don’t read to hear what fucking makes me happy.

Advertisements

Techniques of combat

September 17, 2009

Once upon a time, there was an office in Anyoffice, NY where Department 1 operations needed a new policy to deal with the workflow between Department 2.

Department 1 Supervisors Bitch and Cunt developed new policy for Department 1 to respond to need.  Boss Asshole has no idea what goes on, and because he is lazy, signs off on the policy (lucky for him, Bitch and Cunt are actually competant and wrote good policy, even if they are bitches and cunts.) 
Department adopted new policy where one did not exist. Policy is agreed upon by Departments 1 and 2. 

Boss Asshole informed Departments of new policy via email. 

Department 1 Worker A read email carefully and begins to follow new policy. 

Worker A takes care in detail-oriented work and policy helps to improve the ease in which Worker A is able to do the job. Worker A is pleased with new policy. 

When Worker A is presented with a situation that varies from the policy, Worker A sends an email to Supervisors Bitch and Cunt with questions, including background evidence so Supervisors B and C can make informed decisions. 

Supervisors B and C make decision, inform Worker A on how to proceed. 

Worker A carried out decision.  

Worker A carried on with job, newly productive due to clear policy and training. 

Boss Asshole is contacted by Department 2 Workers N, O and P from because they didn’t like the outcome of Worker A’s actions, although said actions were within policy, ultimately approved by Supervisors Bitch and Cunt and are necessary to completion of Department 1 work. Department 2 has no jurisdiction over this work. 

Instead of explaining to Workers N, O and P that actions were carried out due to policy set in place and agreed-upon by all departments, AND that actions were just given the situation in question, Boss Asshole called Worker A into office. 

Boss Asshole repeatedly wasted 45 min-1 hour of  Worker A’s time by demanding that Worker A explain all of Worker A’s actions.

Worker A is made to feel incompetant, defensive, micromanaged and has intelligence insulted by Boss Asshole.

Worker A also gets sick of being punished for doing job. 

Worker A quickly loses interest in doing job, because work will just be redone by Workers N, O and P each time they complain to Boss Asshole, who won’t stand up for Worker A, Department 1 or policy. 

Worker A stops being proactive and productive. 

Worker A sends everything to Supervisors Bitch and Cunt, even for standard situations that fall well within policy and which Worker A regularly handled successfully in the past. 

Worker A generates 35% more email every day, with questions to fill up Supervisors Bitch and Cunt’s email boxes. 

Supervisors Bitch and Cunt are required to answer all questions. If they do not, Worker A is prevented from being able to do job. Work slows and Bitch and Cunt are held responsible. 

Worker A sees success in this new system, and adopts in all facets of job. 

Worker A no longer answers any questions and sends all questions up the chain of management, clogging the system and slowing the ability of the office to get things done.

Worker A basks in inefficiency and spends extra time looking for jobs on the interwebs while planning weekend seminars to teach similarly oppressed workers the newest techniques of combat and reading cooking blogs.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled ranting for this important announcement

August 21, 2009

The person they hired- rather than “promoting me”- got fired.  

You know. The one who was “more qualified” than me. 

Because aforementioned person -wait for it –

COULDN’T DO THE FUCKING JOB. 

and breathe in–

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHAH

HAHAHAHHAAHHAAHAH HAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

breathe– 

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHNHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH 

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH

HAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAHAH

Tonight, drinks are on me!

 

And now, back to your regularly scheduled ranting. 

Thanx,

-The Mgmt

A quick guide to understanding job ads

July 23, 2009

This is only the first in what i expect to be an ongoing and ever-expanding dictionary of job search terms. The phrase or term is followed by its real life definition: 

  • Interesting personalities – assholes.
  • Strong personalities – rude assholes.
  • Diverse environment – foreign assholes, also probably rude.
  • Dynamic team – assholes who drink after work together.
  • Sense of humour a must – you are expected to kiss the asses of assholes.
  • Attention to detail – the same asshole who complains that you ordered the wrong White-out once will spell your name wrong on your paycheck, personnel file, life insurance, dental insurance, tax forms, and every email for 8 months.
  • BA required – we will hire someone with a master’s degree but will only pay for a bachelor’s. State school degree-holders need not apply. 
  • Ability to multi-task – you’ll do the work of 2 people because we’re a nonprofit and we don’t have money in the budget for a proper staff.
  • Multi-lingual – your boss is foreign and you’ll have to figure out what the hell he’s trying to say.
  • High energy environment – about 5 assholes will yell at you and each other every day. 
  • Submit a resume with salary history – you’ll be lucky to make a living wage because we’re a nonprofit and say we have no money in the budget but pay our executive director 300,000 per year plus 6 weeks’ vacation.
  • Act as a liasion – you will be the ping-pong ball batted back and forth by warring departments.
  • Growing organization – we’re adding assholes left and right.
  • Superior oral and written communication skills – you need to be a mindreader to figure out what these assholes want.
  • Excellent interpersonal skills – your asshole boss will gossip about your superiors to you and expect you to chip in a few comments. You will have to try not to punch her. 
  • Learning experience – you’ll work for assholes who like to hear themselves talk.
  • Challenging position – you’ll also work nights and weekends.
  • Problem-solving skills – the executive director is 65, cannot use Outlook, will delete the shared contacts list and you will have to figure out how to add them again but not out her for the asshole she is.
  • Looking for someone who is motivated and dedicated – we will probably downsize you in 3 years, but until then we’ll be reading your emails to make sure you aren’t looking for a new job.

Sweet, sweet victory. Fleeting, but sweet and sweet.

July 9, 2009

From: asshole
Sent: Thursday, July 02, 2009 5:50 PM
To: NY Office
Subject: NY / All / B-Days, Cards and Team building

Dear colleagues,

A few summer announcements and changes in our office’s customs:

As you all know, we decided a few months ago to combine birthday celebrations with a little party and individual card once a month. But, as we’ve become such a large office, the birthday celebration and card is just not feeling very “special” anymore. So, we think we should discontinue the monthly office birthday celebrations and put the funds we’d set aside for that to fund the very popular Friday “happy hour” wine time. Each department will rotate to organize it for the entire office, and whoever wants to join for a drink will be welcome to do so.

We also would like to organize, like we did 2 years ago, a 1-day team building out-of-the-office event during the summer.

As last time, *****  is offering a gathering at her place which is on a beautiful lake, about *****  from the City. We’ll all leave in the morning (we’ll organize the transportation), and spend the rest of the day together, having BBQ, kayaking, swimming,  etc. We should be back to the City in the early evening. As it is a work related day, the families will not be joining us this time.

Some people may have some vacations already planned, but there will never be a perfect date for everybody in the summer, and we are sorry to miss those who cannot be there. The date will be ***day July **, or the **th if the **th is a rainy day.

 

Please mark the date in your calendar and please let me know ASAP if you will be out on vacation that day. There will be more information to come – and, as we’ll be renting a van or vans, please let me know if you have a car and would be willing to drive some of your colleagues there and back.

Happy Summer to all of you!


After months of choosing the worst cards I could find…after months of cursing the last Thursday of the month when I had to arrange the birthday parties – and after cursing that I had to CLEAN UP AT MY OWN PARTY. Sweet, sweet victory.  Oh, you are so sweet. Like a glass of blueberry Stoli and homemade lemonade. 

Now if I can just insure that it doesn’t rain on the **th, I can add a 3rd sweet to my victory.