Posts Tagged ‘temping’

A quick guide to understanding job ads

July 23, 2009

This is only the first in what i expect to be an ongoing and ever-expanding dictionary of job search terms. The phrase or term is followed by its real life definition: 

  • Interesting personalities – assholes.
  • Strong personalities – rude assholes.
  • Diverse environment – foreign assholes, also probably rude.
  • Dynamic team – assholes who drink after work together.
  • Sense of humour a must – you are expected to kiss the asses of assholes.
  • Attention to detail – the same asshole who complains that you ordered the wrong White-out once will spell your name wrong on your paycheck, personnel file, life insurance, dental insurance, tax forms, and every email for 8 months.
  • BA required – we will hire someone with a master’s degree but will only pay for a bachelor’s. State school degree-holders need not apply. 
  • Ability to multi-task – you’ll do the work of 2 people because we’re a nonprofit and we don’t have money in the budget for a proper staff.
  • Multi-lingual – your boss is foreign and you’ll have to figure out what the hell he’s trying to say.
  • High energy environment – about 5 assholes will yell at you and each other every day. 
  • Submit a resume with salary history – you’ll be lucky to make a living wage because we’re a nonprofit and say we have no money in the budget but pay our executive director 300,000 per year plus 6 weeks’ vacation.
  • Act as a liasion – you will be the ping-pong ball batted back and forth by warring departments.
  • Growing organization – we’re adding assholes left and right.
  • Superior oral and written communication skills – you need to be a mindreader to figure out what these assholes want.
  • Excellent interpersonal skills – your asshole boss will gossip about your superiors to you and expect you to chip in a few comments. You will have to try not to punch her. 
  • Learning experience – you’ll work for assholes who like to hear themselves talk.
  • Challenging position – you’ll also work nights and weekends.
  • Problem-solving skills – the executive director is 65, cannot use Outlook, will delete the shared contacts list and you will have to figure out how to add them again but not out her for the asshole she is.
  • Looking for someone who is motivated and dedicated – we will probably downsize you in 3 years, but until then we’ll be reading your emails to make sure you aren’t looking for a new job.
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bigger fish to fry

June 26, 2009

Dear Executive Director,

As you’ve probably heard, I’m leaving in 2 weeks. No? You didn’t hear? Of course not; it is so hard to get the scoop all the way up there in your ivory tower. 

But yeah, I’m leaving so I thought I’d give you a special shout-out, since we’ve had so many good times together. 

What I will remember most about our awesome times together is that after 10 months of working together, you have never once spelled my name correctly. Your determination to make me Jewish and Old Testamentize the spelling of my name is really unparalleled.  Seriously, 100 points for your determination.  I mean,  my name has been on hundreds of emails, every day, there at the bottom. You know, the emails you respond to, and still spell my name wrong?  It isn’t a difficult name. My parents chose it mainly because it was the only thing they could agree on, but also because it is common without being like, Bob, or something. 

It really takes balls, or actually gall in your case, to absolutely refuse to note my name and who I am.  Few have done it so consistently and with such tenacity. But I guess that’s what has earned you that $400,000 you make as an executive director of a NONPROFIT.  

So yeah, I know you have bigger things on your mind than to note the spelling of the person who answers your phones, and runs your office.  I know you’ve never had to work a shit job for shit pay because it is all you could get with your state school BA that you paid for by temping every summer and mortgaging your future to a college loan that you’re still not sure if you’ll ever pay off.  

Oh. Sorry, I saw your eyes glaze over there for a minute, when I was telling you about how us proles live. I can only imagine how hard it’s been for you to  be a privileged white bitch.

Well I’ll let you go. I know you have so many important things to do. I mean, god, you’ve got little starving orphans to save. You’re saving life! You’re securing the future. You’re putting food into their poor wasted little hands. Well, actually not YOU, but you know what I mean. 

 And the best part is, you never even have to learn their names. 

Sincerely yours, 

*******