Posts Tagged ‘victory’

Exemplary Customer Service

March 2, 2010

Dear Customers, 

You are already rude. Your needs are already inane. You are already wasting my time. Add a cellphone to that and you are compounding the problem that you are still alive, breathing air and walking this earth, while wasting space, as well as my time and energy when I cannot get away from you at work.  

So.

Since you cannot pull that loathsome thing from your ear for the amount of time it takes you to speak to me after YOU accosted ME for help in the first place, do not be surprised when I push that thing so far up your ass that Verizon includes a colonoscopy report with your next bill. 

Come on, dial that thing. Give me a reason. 

*******

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Mindgames

January 25, 2010

Dear Customers, 

Because I’m feeling magnanimous today, I will share with you the reason I don’t allow you to visibly anger me anymore with your stupid demands, rudeness, insipid helplessness and generaly cuntitude that comes with being middle-aged menopausal women. 

When you start up with your nastiness, rudeness, and general mistreatment of me, the retail worker, I imagine stabbing you with my scissors, in the face, repeatedly. I picture picking up the largest piece of merchandise near me and swinging it like a baseball bat until it connects with that thick skull of yours.  Home-run!  

And to top it off, after I finish killing you in my head, I smile, look you straight in the eye and wish you a great afternoon, good luck or a wonderful evening. And I thank you for your patronage. 

See, if you anger me and I break the mask I wear to get through the day, then you win.  But when I continue about my task of helping you with the same level of neutral professionalism and polite faux-interest that I give my nonasshole customers, I win.  And top it off,  I’m entertained by scenes of your death.

Some days are harder than others, but I Will. Not. Let. You. Get. To. Me. 

So doubly,  I will continue to win because I laugh at you. You have no idea what I’m thinking  and that is freedom.  

Oh yeah, and I watch Dexter not for entertainment, but more of a “how-to.”

Thank you, come again,

*******

Top 10 Ways to Enjoy Your 2 Weeks’ Notice

September 23, 2009

10. Add an extra 20 min to your lunch. Enlist the help of a nice intern to cover the phones. 

9. Gossip profusely with the other serfs in the office because you ain’t in no hurry to get any work done and they’re very chatty since they know where you stand. 

8. Enjoy an insanely amazing and decadent dinner at Babbo with someone you care about. 

7. Ignore emails from your boss until he puts the director in copy and then reply only when no fewer than 2 hours have passed. 

6. Take 4 hours to do a 20 minute project where you are expected to collect desk keys, re-label them, , put them in an envelope for each person whose desk they belong to, seal the envelope, have the person sign it and then create a filing system.  Breakdown: 20 minutes for the actual project, 4 hours spent explaining to the office why you’re spending 4 hours doing a task around desk keys that no one even uses. 

5. Refuse to train your replacement on the grounds that you have been deemed over and over “unqualified” and don’t feel comfortable. 

4. Spend several days being shuttled back and forth between directors smiling as you walk down the hall, knowing you’re just running down the clock. 

3. Make plans with various serfs to have dinner, drinks and revenge. Gossip some more. 

2. Show up 25 minutes late every morning. 

1. Laugh in your boss’ face when he threatens to fire you, after you’ve already given notice.

Techniques of combat

September 17, 2009

Once upon a time, there was an office in Anyoffice, NY where Department 1 operations needed a new policy to deal with the workflow between Department 2.

Department 1 Supervisors Bitch and Cunt developed new policy for Department 1 to respond to need.  Boss Asshole has no idea what goes on, and because he is lazy, signs off on the policy (lucky for him, Bitch and Cunt are actually competant and wrote good policy, even if they are bitches and cunts.) 
Department adopted new policy where one did not exist. Policy is agreed upon by Departments 1 and 2. 

Boss Asshole informed Departments of new policy via email. 

Department 1 Worker A read email carefully and begins to follow new policy. 

Worker A takes care in detail-oriented work and policy helps to improve the ease in which Worker A is able to do the job. Worker A is pleased with new policy. 

When Worker A is presented with a situation that varies from the policy, Worker A sends an email to Supervisors Bitch and Cunt with questions, including background evidence so Supervisors B and C can make informed decisions. 

Supervisors B and C make decision, inform Worker A on how to proceed. 

Worker A carried out decision.  

Worker A carried on with job, newly productive due to clear policy and training. 

Boss Asshole is contacted by Department 2 Workers N, O and P from because they didn’t like the outcome of Worker A’s actions, although said actions were within policy, ultimately approved by Supervisors Bitch and Cunt and are necessary to completion of Department 1 work. Department 2 has no jurisdiction over this work. 

Instead of explaining to Workers N, O and P that actions were carried out due to policy set in place and agreed-upon by all departments, AND that actions were just given the situation in question, Boss Asshole called Worker A into office. 

Boss Asshole repeatedly wasted 45 min-1 hour of  Worker A’s time by demanding that Worker A explain all of Worker A’s actions.

Worker A is made to feel incompetant, defensive, micromanaged and has intelligence insulted by Boss Asshole.

Worker A also gets sick of being punished for doing job. 

Worker A quickly loses interest in doing job, because work will just be redone by Workers N, O and P each time they complain to Boss Asshole, who won’t stand up for Worker A, Department 1 or policy. 

Worker A stops being proactive and productive. 

Worker A sends everything to Supervisors Bitch and Cunt, even for standard situations that fall well within policy and which Worker A regularly handled successfully in the past. 

Worker A generates 35% more email every day, with questions to fill up Supervisors Bitch and Cunt’s email boxes. 

Supervisors Bitch and Cunt are required to answer all questions. If they do not, Worker A is prevented from being able to do job. Work slows and Bitch and Cunt are held responsible. 

Worker A sees success in this new system, and adopts in all facets of job. 

Worker A no longer answers any questions and sends all questions up the chain of management, clogging the system and slowing the ability of the office to get things done.

Worker A basks in inefficiency and spends extra time looking for jobs on the interwebs while planning weekend seminars to teach similarly oppressed workers the newest techniques of combat and reading cooking blogs.

2 down, 8 to go

September 16, 2009

I have to say, I actually don’t completely hate my job now that I know it will be ending soon.  There’s really something to be said for showing up 20 minutes late and not giving a fuck.  That got the day off to a great start, and from there it only got better. I only cussed 3 times, and once was just to make sure I still knew how. It is amazing to actually have an ok day.

I totally should have done this months ago!

Throwing the lemonade

August 27, 2009

RIP Bill. RIPDear Asshole,

I want to ask you a question that the late, great Bill McNeil once posed to me, when I was a wee tyke.

“Have you ever heard the expression, ‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for?’”

I love Bill McNeil. Who doesn’t love Bill McNeil. He has gotten me through some tough times, that man. And now, he’ll get me through these next 2 weeks.

Anyway, I thought I should give you the heads up (pun intended) because I’m doing that right now. Only by “lemons” I mean you gave me hydrogen chloride and water. And by “lemonade” I mean hydrochloric acid. 

Potato, potahtoe.

Whatevs,

*******

We interrupt your regularly scheduled ranting for this important announcement

August 21, 2009

The person they hired- rather than “promoting me”- got fired.  

You know. The one who was “more qualified” than me. 

Because aforementioned person -wait for it –

COULDN’T DO THE FUCKING JOB. 

and breathe in–

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHAH

HAHAHAHHAAHHAAHAH HAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

breathe– 

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHNHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH 

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH

HAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAHAH

Tonight, drinks are on me!

 

And now, back to your regularly scheduled ranting. 

Thanx,

-The Mgmt

“Maggots, Michael, you’re eating maggots.”

August 19, 2009

Dear ********,

I bet you’re wondering which wall(s) I hid the 10-day old raw shrimp in, huh.  Well, I reckon you’ll find the location(s) as soon as you find that part from the air conditioner, the keys to the restrooms and what’s left of my pride. 

Happy hunting, you rotten cunt,

*******

I have literally listened to this every day on the way to work for 3 months

July 25, 2009

Clicky clicky folks.

(But seriously, dammit Le Tigre. Why don’t you have a video of people dancing around on Youtube that I could easily embed in my blog.)

Some of us don’t have fancypants paid accounts that let us upload our own mp3 files here, you know. 

 This jam is for everyone who’s raging against the machine.

The Great Birthday Card Slaying of 2009: The Return

July 21, 2009

From: asshole
Sent: Tuesday, July 14, 2009 2:19 PM
To:  other assholes
Subject: an email for @@@@@

Dear All

@@@@@@ is sad for not receiving a B-Day card.

Please send her an email or an electronic card (it was July ****th)

Thank you

From: @@@@@
Sent: Tuesday, July 14, 2009 1:55 PM
To: asshole
Subject: RE: NY / All / B-Days, Cards and Team building

I am a bit sad because I signed many cards for others for almost 1 year and I was so near to get mine….

@@@@@