Posts Tagged ‘vodka for breakfast’

The Glued-on Smile

March 3, 2010

Every February-ish I’m listing to one song or another from Skinny Puppy on repeat. Like, Repeat. With a capital blowmyearsout. This year, of course, is no exception. Apart from the car I drive whilst listing to aforementioned song, and contemplating taking a wrong turn into a telephone pole. 

Of course the live version video is better but this is here for clarity’s sake. Hah. Clarity.

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Freedom (or, Mindgames II)

February 24, 2010

Oh, XKCD, where would I be without you.  It’s like we share the same hive-mind or something

After a 9 hour shift, I just don’t have the words for today

February 2, 2010

Of all the times for my phone not to have a camera…

December 23, 2009

To adopt a more “positive outlook on life” (shut the fuck up), I’ve decided to share An Awesome Thing From This Week ™. This week:

My cowworker (you read right. It isn’t a typo. She’s a fucking cow.) wrote a poem about our place of employment and left it on the table in the breakroom. 

Yep.  

A poem.

A motherfucking poem.  Jumpin’ jesus on a pogo stick. I can’t make this shit up. 

And yep. My phone doesn’t have a camera so I have no way of getting it out into the world, where it ought to be, save for texting a line of it every day to my bff, with the hopes that she will transcribe in careful calligraphy strokes onto handmade parchment in purple ink crushed from the shells of rare snails.  

Because the poem is seriously. Just. That. Good. 

Stay tuned, faithful readers. All 5 of you. 

PS: Also this week, a 9 year-old told me her dream in life is to sew clothes and give them away to poor people, and that this is a plan she and her friends discussed. OMG. Seriously, my heart grew like 100x like that scene from the Grinch Who Stole Christmas because this fucking kid made my day. 

But whatevs, I know the 5 of you don’t read to hear what fucking makes me happy.

Top 10 Signs You’re On Your Way to a Nifty Work-Related Drinking Habit

December 17, 2009

10. Your (few nice) coworkers no longer worry that you’re being beaten by a significant other  when they see the bruises on your bare legs on Casual Friday. They think it is hilarious when you say you fell in the shower whilst skunked and tangled in your socks, and have instead chosen to believe that you’re just a clumsy person who took up rollerblading over the weekend. 

9. It is only Tuesday and you’ve already gone through half of the big bottle of Absolut because it was on sale at the liquor store. AND it was somehow cheaper than the jug of Kalatchnakayakovakillmeplease with the E-Z pour spout. 

8. You don’t even like vodka, you like whiskey. But you were too buzzed to get to Trader Joes (2 Buck Chuck, y’all!) and you’re watching your pennies these days, so vodka it is. 

7. You drink the vodka straight while watching Intervention and wishing that you could get enough of an addiction that would merit 60-90 days in a treatment facility only because it would mean:

a. not having to go to work

b. maybe even seeing if your family/friends actually care about you enough to make fools of themselves on national tv. 

c. guilting someone into paying for a nice Indian dinner-all the courses, dammit-  to celebrate your release. 

6. You find an old bottle of blackberry liquor and peppermint schnaps way in the back of the fridge behind the Frank’s and your roommate’s mashed potatoes. Party tiiiiime!

5. (But seriously, look at me. Can you picture this on rollerblades?)

4. You read anorexic blogs in hopes of developing an eating disorder if only it would stop you from drinking so damn much. 

3. But at least vodka only has about 60 calories per shot. 

2. And if you cut the vodka with water, you can totally stretch it out til like Thursday. 

1. Fusck it, fucking wheres the tAcoBell and why donnt they fukking deliver?

The light at the end of the tunnel

September 15, 2009

Dear ********,

 This letter is to give two weeks’ notice of my intent to leave my position as Office Manager/HR Assistant with (Organization Which Doesn’t Deserve Your Generous Funds).  I have decided to accept another position where I have a chance for professional growth and where my skills will be better utilized. 

I’d like to wish you and your organization all the best in your future endeavors. 

Sincerely,
ME

Zebra Stripes

September 9, 2009

Dear Asshole,

You’re a prick. A dick. An asshole. A jerk, a tool, a douchebag. There’s no getting around it. True, you come off as a semi-decent person in the beginning. Assholes always do. But that decency is just a thin layer of slime over the slug that you really are. If I could drown you in salt and beer, believe me, I would have a thousand times over. 

When the former office manager – who reported to you for 3 years- died, you sent out an intern to buy a card for the family and told me to just pick some bunch of flowers, but not to spend too much.  You call me into your office every month or so to tell me how much I suck at life, the universe and everything, but never quite get a toe over the line where I could actually do something about it and sue this you and this fucking organization for abuse or harrassment.  You tell me my co workers don’t like me but refuse to tell me who or what was said exactly, and expect this to be some sort of motivation that improves my performance.  You tell me I suck at my job, yet fire the person who was “more qualified” than I am. You eavesdrop on other people’s conversations, check their email and listen in on their phone calls.  

You’re an asshole. I hate you. Simple statement of facts. I know now that before I was here, you were an asshole. I know that after I’m gone, you will be an asshole. A zebra doesn’t change its stripes so I don’t expect you to ever stop being an asshole.  

My only hope is that I made your life just that much more annoying and difficult. You’re small and petty and let things like that get to you. Every time you send me a snotty email when there is no coffee or milk, it’s really no skin off my back. You think these things happen on by accident? Nah. They’re just part of my larger plan to piss you off. And I know I’ve succeeded. 

Then I smile, just for a second. 

I hope you choke. I really, really do,
*******

Youth Gone Wild

September 4, 2009

Dear Asshole,

Check it.

Since I was born they couldn’t hold me down. Another misfit kid, another burned-out town. Never played by the rules I never really cared. My nasty reputation takes me everywhere.


I look and see it’s not only me. So many others have stood where I stand.  We are the young so raise your hands.  

They call us problem child. We spend our lives on trial. We walk an endless mile.  We are the youth gone wild.  We stand and we won’t fall. We’re the one and one for all. The writing’s on the wall. We are the youth gone wild. 

Boss screamin’ in my ear about who I’m supposed to be. Getcha a 3-piece Wall Street smile and son you’ll look just like me.  I said “Hey man, there’s something that you oughta know. I tell ya Park Avenue leads to Skid Row.”  I look and see it’s not only me. We’re standin’ tall ain’t never a doubt. We are the young, so shout it out 

They call us problem child. We spend our lives on trial. We walk an endless mile. We are the youth gone wild. We stand and we won’t fall.  We’re the one and one for all.  The writing’s on the wall.  We are the youth gone wild.

FUCK THIS SHIT. 

*******

Raison d’etre

August 25, 2009

Dear ********,

Maybe I really am only capable of answering the phones. But I’ll be goddamned if I do it for you any longer. 

Sincerely,

*******

We interrupt your regularly scheduled ranting for this important announcement

August 21, 2009

The person they hired- rather than “promoting me”- got fired.  

You know. The one who was “more qualified” than me. 

Because aforementioned person -wait for it –

COULDN’T DO THE FUCKING JOB. 

and breathe in–

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHAH

HAHAHAHHAAHHAAHAH HAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

breathe– 

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHNHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH 

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH

HAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAHAH

Tonight, drinks are on me!

 

And now, back to your regularly scheduled ranting. 

Thanx,

-The Mgmt