Posts Tagged ‘vodka for breakfast’

Cocktails

August 11, 2009

Dear Asshole,

I hate you because you ruin my Sunday nights. Somewhere around 4pm I realize that I have to go to work on Monday and the only way I can deal with that and knowing I’ll have to see you is by drinking heavily. 

I quit. If for no reason other than to save what’s left of my liver. 

You’re the human equivalent of a used condom, 

*******

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You Put the “Ass” in “Assets”

July 23, 2009

Dear *******,

 
Thank you for your recent application to join the staff of Teach For America.  We conducted a thorough and comprehensive review of your materials, and after careful consideration, unfortunately we are not able to offer you an interview at this time.

Thank you very much for taking the time to explore staff opportunities with Teach For America.  We sincerely appreciate your interest in contributing to the effort to end educational inequity and we wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Best regards,
 
The Human Assets Team
Teach For America
315 West 36th Street, 6th Floor
New York, NY 10018

212-279-2080, x303

A quick guide to understanding job ads

July 23, 2009

This is only the first in what i expect to be an ongoing and ever-expanding dictionary of job search terms. The phrase or term is followed by its real life definition: 

  • Interesting personalities – assholes.
  • Strong personalities – rude assholes.
  • Diverse environment – foreign assholes, also probably rude.
  • Dynamic team – assholes who drink after work together.
  • Sense of humour a must – you are expected to kiss the asses of assholes.
  • Attention to detail – the same asshole who complains that you ordered the wrong White-out once will spell your name wrong on your paycheck, personnel file, life insurance, dental insurance, tax forms, and every email for 8 months.
  • BA required – we will hire someone with a master’s degree but will only pay for a bachelor’s. State school degree-holders need not apply. 
  • Ability to multi-task – you’ll do the work of 2 people because we’re a nonprofit and we don’t have money in the budget for a proper staff.
  • Multi-lingual – your boss is foreign and you’ll have to figure out what the hell he’s trying to say.
  • High energy environment – about 5 assholes will yell at you and each other every day. 
  • Submit a resume with salary history – you’ll be lucky to make a living wage because we’re a nonprofit and say we have no money in the budget but pay our executive director 300,000 per year plus 6 weeks’ vacation.
  • Act as a liasion – you will be the ping-pong ball batted back and forth by warring departments.
  • Growing organization – we’re adding assholes left and right.
  • Superior oral and written communication skills – you need to be a mindreader to figure out what these assholes want.
  • Excellent interpersonal skills – your asshole boss will gossip about your superiors to you and expect you to chip in a few comments. You will have to try not to punch her. 
  • Learning experience – you’ll work for assholes who like to hear themselves talk.
  • Challenging position – you’ll also work nights and weekends.
  • Problem-solving skills – the executive director is 65, cannot use Outlook, will delete the shared contacts list and you will have to figure out how to add them again but not out her for the asshole she is.
  • Looking for someone who is motivated and dedicated – we will probably downsize you in 3 years, but until then we’ll be reading your emails to make sure you aren’t looking for a new job.

Sweet, sweet victory. Fleeting, but sweet and sweet.

July 9, 2009

From: asshole
Sent: Thursday, July 02, 2009 5:50 PM
To: NY Office
Subject: NY / All / B-Days, Cards and Team building

Dear colleagues,

A few summer announcements and changes in our office’s customs:

As you all know, we decided a few months ago to combine birthday celebrations with a little party and individual card once a month. But, as we’ve become such a large office, the birthday celebration and card is just not feeling very “special” anymore. So, we think we should discontinue the monthly office birthday celebrations and put the funds we’d set aside for that to fund the very popular Friday “happy hour” wine time. Each department will rotate to organize it for the entire office, and whoever wants to join for a drink will be welcome to do so.

We also would like to organize, like we did 2 years ago, a 1-day team building out-of-the-office event during the summer.

As last time, *****  is offering a gathering at her place which is on a beautiful lake, about *****  from the City. We’ll all leave in the morning (we’ll organize the transportation), and spend the rest of the day together, having BBQ, kayaking, swimming,  etc. We should be back to the City in the early evening. As it is a work related day, the families will not be joining us this time.

Some people may have some vacations already planned, but there will never be a perfect date for everybody in the summer, and we are sorry to miss those who cannot be there. The date will be ***day July **, or the **th if the **th is a rainy day.

 

Please mark the date in your calendar and please let me know ASAP if you will be out on vacation that day. There will be more information to come – and, as we’ll be renting a van or vans, please let me know if you have a car and would be willing to drive some of your colleagues there and back.

Happy Summer to all of you!


After months of choosing the worst cards I could find…after months of cursing the last Thursday of the month when I had to arrange the birthday parties – and after cursing that I had to CLEAN UP AT MY OWN PARTY. Sweet, sweet victory.  Oh, you are so sweet. Like a glass of blueberry Stoli and homemade lemonade. 

Now if I can just insure that it doesn’t rain on the **th, I can add a 3rd sweet to my victory.

That Extra Special Touch

July 1, 2009

 

Dear Asshole,   

I’m leaving in 2 weeks and I couldn’t be happier. Not only will I never have to see you again, I will leave knowing that for the past 10 months, I spat in the milk each Monday morning. I bought you Folgers because I know all you snobby Frenchies hate American coffee and because your way of telling me we’re out of coffee was to leave the empty bag on my chair before I got into work.  When you left the empty bag of sugar on my chair instead of asking me to buy more sugar, I added a little extra I like to call bird shit to the new 5lb bag.

All in all, I think I did pretty good given the very narrow parameters of the amount of rebellion I could unleash and still manage to collect a paycheck.

I hate you. 

Fuck you,
*******

Fuck you. Fuck you very very much.

July 1, 2009

Dear *******,

The experience I’ve had here has shown me that incompetence is rewarded even in the nonprofit world, with you as a shining example. Your title does not make you more competent than me, only your fucking sense of European superiority.  The truth is, if you disappeared the department would not only continue, but would flourish without being interrupted by your constant meddling. It sickens me that you make nearly 3 times what I do. My only regret during my time here is that I did not beat you with my telephone. 

With utmost sincerity,
*******

We’re Just Not That Into You

June 30, 2009

I present exhibit #1:

Good afternoon,
Thank you for your interest in working with Earthjustice. As you might
imagine, we have received applications from many talented candidates.
Unfortunately, given our specific needs at this time, we cannot offer
you a position.
We wish you well in your future career pursuits.
Sincerely,

****** ******
Office Manager
Earthjustice
156 William Street, Suite 800
New York, NY 10038
*please consider the environment before printing

Oh, Earthjustice, I will consider the environment before printing. And I will respond to you tomorrow.