Posts Tagged ‘waste of time’

Freedom (or, Mindgames II)

February 24, 2010

Oh, XKCD, where would I be without you.  It’s like we share the same hive-mind or something

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Sorry I’m not inept enough for you

February 9, 2010

Dear *******, 

Thank you for your interest in the Executive Assistant – Chief Medical Office opportunity at ******** Hospitals; job number IRC122371. We have reviewed your resume and qualifications for this specific position / job number. While your skills and experience are impressive, we are pursuing applicants whose credentials more closely fit the requirements for this particular opportunity at ********** Hospitals. 

Please note that if you have applied to other positions /job numbers from the specific one noted above, you may view your status at anytime by logging on to our website, as there could be other opportunities in which you are being considered. 

Thank you again for your interest and we wish you success in your career endeavors. 

Sincerely, 
Recruitment Services
********* Hospitals

Dear Suckwad, 

Thanks for being completely inept at carrying out your recruiting process. As a fellow recruiter, I can recognize a job well done.  As a person who did do a recruiting job well, I can easily see when one falls short of  well, adequate or even competent.  In short you, sir, suck.  Like, suck-shit-through-a crazy-straw suck.  

It took you what now, 1 month and 1 day to simply tell me “no” after wasting my time -AGAIN- for 30 minutes on the phone? I mean hell, you didn’t even meet me face to face. An email takes 5 seconds for your assistant to cut/paste into being. 

Also, thanks for being the human equivalent of a maxipad on the telephone.  I’ve met typing paper with more of a presence than you.

I could give two shits about this job and find it HIGHlarious that you can’t recognize that someone with my experience would do anything but feign enthusiasm for this position. The recession has me by the balls and you think I aspire to be a glorified secretary?

Bitch, please. 

*******

Because I’m good enough and smart enough and gosh-darnit people like me

January 6, 2010

Dear Customers,

I hate you.  I mean, yeah I hate myself too, but I hate you more. 

Save the planet. Kill yourself.  

*******

Top 10 Signs You’re On Your Way to a Nifty Work-Related Drinking Habit

December 17, 2009

10. Your (few nice) coworkers no longer worry that you’re being beaten by a significant other  when they see the bruises on your bare legs on Casual Friday. They think it is hilarious when you say you fell in the shower whilst skunked and tangled in your socks, and have instead chosen to believe that you’re just a clumsy person who took up rollerblading over the weekend. 

9. It is only Tuesday and you’ve already gone through half of the big bottle of Absolut because it was on sale at the liquor store. AND it was somehow cheaper than the jug of Kalatchnakayakovakillmeplease with the E-Z pour spout. 

8. You don’t even like vodka, you like whiskey. But you were too buzzed to get to Trader Joes (2 Buck Chuck, y’all!) and you’re watching your pennies these days, so vodka it is. 

7. You drink the vodka straight while watching Intervention and wishing that you could get enough of an addiction that would merit 60-90 days in a treatment facility only because it would mean:

a. not having to go to work

b. maybe even seeing if your family/friends actually care about you enough to make fools of themselves on national tv. 

c. guilting someone into paying for a nice Indian dinner-all the courses, dammit-  to celebrate your release. 

6. You find an old bottle of blackberry liquor and peppermint schnaps way in the back of the fridge behind the Frank’s and your roommate’s mashed potatoes. Party tiiiiime!

5. (But seriously, look at me. Can you picture this on rollerblades?)

4. You read anorexic blogs in hopes of developing an eating disorder if only it would stop you from drinking so damn much. 

3. But at least vodka only has about 60 calories per shot. 

2. And if you cut the vodka with water, you can totally stretch it out til like Thursday. 

1. Fusck it, fucking wheres the tAcoBell and why donnt they fukking deliver?

Top 10 Ways to Enjoy Your 2 Weeks’ Notice

September 23, 2009

10. Add an extra 20 min to your lunch. Enlist the help of a nice intern to cover the phones. 

9. Gossip profusely with the other serfs in the office because you ain’t in no hurry to get any work done and they’re very chatty since they know where you stand. 

8. Enjoy an insanely amazing and decadent dinner at Babbo with someone you care about. 

7. Ignore emails from your boss until he puts the director in copy and then reply only when no fewer than 2 hours have passed. 

6. Take 4 hours to do a 20 minute project where you are expected to collect desk keys, re-label them, , put them in an envelope for each person whose desk they belong to, seal the envelope, have the person sign it and then create a filing system.  Breakdown: 20 minutes for the actual project, 4 hours spent explaining to the office why you’re spending 4 hours doing a task around desk keys that no one even uses. 

5. Refuse to train your replacement on the grounds that you have been deemed over and over “unqualified” and don’t feel comfortable. 

4. Spend several days being shuttled back and forth between directors smiling as you walk down the hall, knowing you’re just running down the clock. 

3. Make plans with various serfs to have dinner, drinks and revenge. Gossip some more. 

2. Show up 25 minutes late every morning. 

1. Laugh in your boss’ face when he threatens to fire you, after you’ve already given notice.

The light at the end of the tunnel

September 15, 2009

Dear ********,

 This letter is to give two weeks’ notice of my intent to leave my position as Office Manager/HR Assistant with (Organization Which Doesn’t Deserve Your Generous Funds).  I have decided to accept another position where I have a chance for professional growth and where my skills will be better utilized. 

I’d like to wish you and your organization all the best in your future endeavors. 

Sincerely,
ME

Opportunity knocks

August 24, 2009

Dear ********,

I got the opportunity to not see you every day. I’m taking it. 

Go to hell,

*******

Energized

August 12, 2009

Dear ******,

When you told me I didn’t get the job I already do here, did you expect me to cry? Cuz when you sitting there blabbing, I was thinking how much I’d like to beat you with a pillowcase filled with batteries. 

Sincerely yours, 
*******

Apathy

August 4, 2009

Dear *******,

2 weeks notice? Seriously, I left this job like 8 months ago. But yeah, in 2 weeks I won’t be here physically anymore either.

Hire a temp or a trained monkey or something.

Whatever,
*******

A quick guide to understanding job ads

July 23, 2009

This is only the first in what i expect to be an ongoing and ever-expanding dictionary of job search terms. The phrase or term is followed by its real life definition: 

  • Interesting personalities – assholes.
  • Strong personalities – rude assholes.
  • Diverse environment – foreign assholes, also probably rude.
  • Dynamic team – assholes who drink after work together.
  • Sense of humour a must – you are expected to kiss the asses of assholes.
  • Attention to detail – the same asshole who complains that you ordered the wrong White-out once will spell your name wrong on your paycheck, personnel file, life insurance, dental insurance, tax forms, and every email for 8 months.
  • BA required – we will hire someone with a master’s degree but will only pay for a bachelor’s. State school degree-holders need not apply. 
  • Ability to multi-task – you’ll do the work of 2 people because we’re a nonprofit and we don’t have money in the budget for a proper staff.
  • Multi-lingual – your boss is foreign and you’ll have to figure out what the hell he’s trying to say.
  • High energy environment – about 5 assholes will yell at you and each other every day. 
  • Submit a resume with salary history – you’ll be lucky to make a living wage because we’re a nonprofit and say we have no money in the budget but pay our executive director 300,000 per year plus 6 weeks’ vacation.
  • Act as a liasion – you will be the ping-pong ball batted back and forth by warring departments.
  • Growing organization – we’re adding assholes left and right.
  • Superior oral and written communication skills – you need to be a mindreader to figure out what these assholes want.
  • Excellent interpersonal skills – your asshole boss will gossip about your superiors to you and expect you to chip in a few comments. You will have to try not to punch her. 
  • Learning experience – you’ll work for assholes who like to hear themselves talk.
  • Challenging position – you’ll also work nights and weekends.
  • Problem-solving skills – the executive director is 65, cannot use Outlook, will delete the shared contacts list and you will have to figure out how to add them again but not out her for the asshole she is.
  • Looking for someone who is motivated and dedicated – we will probably downsize you in 3 years, but until then we’ll be reading your emails to make sure you aren’t looking for a new job.