Posts Tagged ‘why bother’

The Glued-on Smile

March 3, 2010

Every February-ish I’m listing to one song or another from Skinny Puppy on repeat. Like, Repeat. With a capital blowmyearsout. This year, of course, is no exception. Apart from the car I drive whilst listing to aforementioned song, and contemplating taking a wrong turn into a telephone pole. 

Of course the live version video is better but this is here for clarity’s sake. Hah. Clarity.

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Exemplary Customer Service

March 2, 2010

Dear Customers, 

You are already rude. Your needs are already inane. You are already wasting my time. Add a cellphone to that and you are compounding the problem that you are still alive, breathing air and walking this earth, while wasting space, as well as my time and energy when I cannot get away from you at work.  

So.

Since you cannot pull that loathsome thing from your ear for the amount of time it takes you to speak to me after YOU accosted ME for help in the first place, do not be surprised when I push that thing so far up your ass that Verizon includes a colonoscopy report with your next bill. 

Come on, dial that thing. Give me a reason. 

*******

Sorry I’m not inept enough for you

February 9, 2010

Dear *******, 

Thank you for your interest in the Executive Assistant – Chief Medical Office opportunity at ******** Hospitals; job number IRC122371. We have reviewed your resume and qualifications for this specific position / job number. While your skills and experience are impressive, we are pursuing applicants whose credentials more closely fit the requirements for this particular opportunity at ********** Hospitals. 

Please note that if you have applied to other positions /job numbers from the specific one noted above, you may view your status at anytime by logging on to our website, as there could be other opportunities in which you are being considered. 

Thank you again for your interest and we wish you success in your career endeavors. 

Sincerely, 
Recruitment Services
********* Hospitals

Dear Suckwad, 

Thanks for being completely inept at carrying out your recruiting process. As a fellow recruiter, I can recognize a job well done.  As a person who did do a recruiting job well, I can easily see when one falls short of  well, adequate or even competent.  In short you, sir, suck.  Like, suck-shit-through-a crazy-straw suck.  

It took you what now, 1 month and 1 day to simply tell me “no” after wasting my time -AGAIN- for 30 minutes on the phone? I mean hell, you didn’t even meet me face to face. An email takes 5 seconds for your assistant to cut/paste into being. 

Also, thanks for being the human equivalent of a maxipad on the telephone.  I’ve met typing paper with more of a presence than you.

I could give two shits about this job and find it HIGHlarious that you can’t recognize that someone with my experience would do anything but feign enthusiasm for this position. The recession has me by the balls and you think I aspire to be a glorified secretary?

Bitch, please. 

*******

After a 9 hour shift, I just don’t have the words for today

February 2, 2010

Status meeting

December 31, 2009

Dear Customers,

I’m proud to say, I made it through the holidays without a  without much of a body count.

That said, you’re on notice. I’m stretched tighter than Rush Limbaugh’s pants after a weekend pills n liquor bender. 

I may fucking snap at any moment right now. 

Fuck. You. 

*******

Top 10 Signs You’re On Your Way to a Nifty Work-Related Drinking Habit

December 17, 2009

10. Your (few nice) coworkers no longer worry that you’re being beaten by a significant other  when they see the bruises on your bare legs on Casual Friday. They think it is hilarious when you say you fell in the shower whilst skunked and tangled in your socks, and have instead chosen to believe that you’re just a clumsy person who took up rollerblading over the weekend. 

9. It is only Tuesday and you’ve already gone through half of the big bottle of Absolut because it was on sale at the liquor store. AND it was somehow cheaper than the jug of Kalatchnakayakovakillmeplease with the E-Z pour spout. 

8. You don’t even like vodka, you like whiskey. But you were too buzzed to get to Trader Joes (2 Buck Chuck, y’all!) and you’re watching your pennies these days, so vodka it is. 

7. You drink the vodka straight while watching Intervention and wishing that you could get enough of an addiction that would merit 60-90 days in a treatment facility only because it would mean:

a. not having to go to work

b. maybe even seeing if your family/friends actually care about you enough to make fools of themselves on national tv. 

c. guilting someone into paying for a nice Indian dinner-all the courses, dammit-  to celebrate your release. 

6. You find an old bottle of blackberry liquor and peppermint schnaps way in the back of the fridge behind the Frank’s and your roommate’s mashed potatoes. Party tiiiiime!

5. (But seriously, look at me. Can you picture this on rollerblades?)

4. You read anorexic blogs in hopes of developing an eating disorder if only it would stop you from drinking so damn much. 

3. But at least vodka only has about 60 calories per shot. 

2. And if you cut the vodka with water, you can totally stretch it out til like Thursday. 

1. Fusck it, fucking wheres the tAcoBell and why donnt they fukking deliver?

Absence

December 10, 2009

Just took some time to move to an area with an even worse job market, fail at life and find a new job to hate.  But mostly just fail at life. 

So, yeah, I guess this blog will in fact continue. 

And you thought I’d moved on and found personal happiness. Pfffft.

Raison d’etre

August 25, 2009

Dear ********,

Maybe I really am only capable of answering the phones. But I’ll be goddamned if I do it for you any longer. 

Sincerely,

*******

half-full

August 14, 2009

Dear Cunt-in-HR,

I technically don’t need to give you 2 weeks’ notice because you’re not my boss. But in lieu of punching you in the face on my way out,  I thought I’d share a little something before I leave. 

When you went to the field I was sure your plane would crash. It didn’t. I hoped you’d be taken hostage by Islamic militants. You weren’t. You returned to the office and continued your cuntastic ways. 

This weekend you’re going on vacation. Because I’m the eternal optimist, I know there IS a chance you could be mauled by a bear. There are at least 15 Lyme-disease laden ticks with your name on them.  People tell me there aren’t hordes of marading Somali pirates patrolling the New England woods but I beg to differ. And I still have faith that Satan himself will appear to drag you back to the firey pits from whence you came. 

Why? Just a little thing I like to call optimism. Some say the glass is half empty but I know better.

Even if those things don’t happen, there’s always next time. I’m sure of it.  And hell, writing all this made me happy too so I win either way. 

Sincerely,
MY NAME IS NOT HEY

Fuck you very much

August 13, 2009

Dear *******,

Yeah I’m going for the obvious here. You’re on my last nerve. 

Fuck off, 
*******