Sorry I’m not inept enough for you

Dear *******, 

Thank you for your interest in the Executive Assistant – Chief Medical Office opportunity at ******** Hospitals; job number IRC122371. We have reviewed your resume and qualifications for this specific position / job number. While your skills and experience are impressive, we are pursuing applicants whose credentials more closely fit the requirements for this particular opportunity at ********** Hospitals. 

Please note that if you have applied to other positions /job numbers from the specific one noted above, you may view your status at anytime by logging on to our website, as there could be other opportunities in which you are being considered. 

Thank you again for your interest and we wish you success in your career endeavors. 

Sincerely, 
Recruitment Services
********* Hospitals

Dear Suckwad, 

Thanks for being completely inept at carrying out your recruiting process. As a fellow recruiter, I can recognize a job well done.  As a person who did do a recruiting job well, I can easily see when one falls short of  well, adequate or even competent.  In short you, sir, suck.  Like, suck-shit-through-a crazy-straw suck.  

It took you what now, 1 month and 1 day to simply tell me “no” after wasting my time -AGAIN- for 30 minutes on the phone? I mean hell, you didn’t even meet me face to face. An email takes 5 seconds for your assistant to cut/paste into being. 

Also, thanks for being the human equivalent of a maxipad on the telephone.  I’ve met typing paper with more of a presence than you.

I could give two shits about this job and find it HIGHlarious that you can’t recognize that someone with my experience would do anything but feign enthusiasm for this position. The recession has me by the balls and you think I aspire to be a glorified secretary?

Bitch, please. 

*******

The light at the end of the tunnel

Dear ********,

 This letter is to give two weeks’ notice of my intent to leave my position as Office Manager/HR Assistant with (Organization Which Doesn’t Deserve Your Generous Funds).  I have decided to accept another position where I have a chance for professional growth and where my skills will be better utilized. 

I’d like to wish you and your organization all the best in your future endeavors. 

Sincerely,
ME

I’m totally glad I didn’t bother to send a thank you

Dear *******,

We greatly appreciate your interest in joining our staff at Global Health Strategies and were very impressed with your background and credentials. We also want to thank you for taking the time to speak with the Principal, ***** ****, over the phone.  At this point, we have decided to take the position in a different direction. We will keep your application on file should any future positions or project work become available at GHS.  

We wish you the best of luck in your continued job search and future endeavors.

All the best,

****** *****

Office Manager

Global Health Strategies

27 West 24th Street, Suite 900

New York, NY 10010

Tel: 212-929-7888 ext. 23

 

Meh. It’s totally cool, ****** ***** Office Manager. I just wasn’t that into you either. Especially after your Big Whodie-Who wasted 45 minutes of my time on a phone interview only to tell me the position doesn’t offer benefits, is temporary and will end after 4 months. 

That’s really the kind of thing you’d want to mention in the job ad. Otherwise, people like me waste 2″ of cyberspace applying, then telling the world how lame you are.