Better Google “DIY chemotherapy.” Just sayin’

Dear ********,

I’m quitting. Before I quit, my  voodoo doll would like to thank you for 348 days of unmitigated misery. 

Best fucking regards from the both of us, 

*******

ps: Also, when you develop testicular cancer: as far as Oxford insurance and I’m concerned, it is a pre-existing condition.

I have literally listened to this every day on the way to work for 3 months

Clicky clicky folks.

(But seriously, dammit Le Tigre. Why don’t you have a video of people dancing around on Youtube that I could easily embed in my blog.)

Some of us don’t have fancypants paid accounts that let us upload our own mp3 files here, you know. 

 This jam is for everyone who’s raging against the machine.

You Put the “Ass” in “Assets”

Dear *******,

 
Thank you for your recent application to join the staff of Teach For America.  We conducted a thorough and comprehensive review of your materials, and after careful consideration, unfortunately we are not able to offer you an interview at this time.

Thank you very much for taking the time to explore staff opportunities with Teach For America.  We sincerely appreciate your interest in contributing to the effort to end educational inequity and we wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Best regards,
 
The Human Assets Team
Teach For America
315 West 36th Street, 6th Floor
New York, NY 10018

212-279-2080, x303

A quick guide to understanding job ads

This is only the first in what i expect to be an ongoing and ever-expanding dictionary of job search terms. The phrase or term is followed by its real life definition: 

• Interesting personalities – assholes.

• Strong personalities – rude assholes.

• Diverse environment – foreign assholes, also probably rude.

• Dynamic team – assholes who drink after work together.

• Sense of humour a must – you are expected to kiss the asses of assholes.

• Attention to detail – the same asshole who complains that you ordered the wrong White-out once will spell your name wrong on your paycheck, personnel file, life insurance, dental insurance, tax forms, and every email for 8 months.

• BA required – we will hire someone with a master’s degree but will only pay for a bachelor’s. State school degree-holders need not apply. 

• Ability to multi-task – you’ll do the work of 2 people because we’re a nonprofit and we don’t have money in the budget for a proper staff.

• Multi-lingual – your boss is foreign and you’ll have to figure out what the hell he’s trying to say.

• High energy environment – about 5 assholes will yell at you and each other every day. 

• Submit a resume with salary history – you’ll be lucky to make a living wage because we’re a nonprofit and say we have no money in the budget but pay our executive director 300,000 per year plus 6 weeks’ vacation.

• Act as a liasion – you will be the ping-pong ball batted back and forth by warring departments.

• Growing organization – we’re adding assholes left and right.

• Superior oral and written communication skills – you need to be a mindreader to figure out what these assholes want.

• Excellent interpersonal skills – your asshole boss will gossip about your superiors to you and expect you to chip in a few comments. You will have to try not to punch her. 

• Learning experience – you’ll work for assholes who like to hear themselves talk.

• Challenging position – you’ll also work nights and weekends.

• Problem-solving skills – the executive director is 65, cannot use Outlook, will delete the shared contacts list and you will have to figure out how to add them again but not out her for the asshole she is.

• Looking for someone who is motivated and dedicated – we will probably downsize you in 3 years, but until then we’ll be reading your emails to make sure you aren’t looking for a new job.

stinkbutt

Dear *******,

Maybe I’m just zonked out on Benedryl but this week I’m having a really hard time coming up with a way to let you I’m quitting in 2 weeks. 

So I figured I’d blast black metal for 8 or 9 hours,  take a shit on your desk and call it even. 

Best regards, 

*******

Bursting with adequatulence

Dear ******,

As of today, I give my 2 weeks’ notice. It was awesome to come back from vacation and be told by no less than 5 people that they’re glad I returned, before things completely descended into chaos.  Stick that in your yearly review and smoke it. 

See, if the office were a beauty pageant contestant, I would be the glue keeping your ass in the bikini.  You can try to do it on your own, but without me keeping things in place, well, you just end up with a giant wedgie.  When I’m here, you can focus on more “important” things.  When I’m not,  you realize that no one is there to cover your ass anymore.  Which you will only realize from the collective gasp of the audience during your baton-twirling tribute to Great American Competitve Eaters, complete with rhythmic gymnastics, to the tune of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing.” 

Indeed. I shall leave you to Vaseline your teeth. 

With kindest regards, you stupid rimjob, 

*******

The Great Birthday Card Slaying of 2009: The Return

From: asshole
Sent: Tuesday, July 14, 2009 2:19 PM
To:  other assholes
Subject: an email for @@@@@

Dear All

@@@@@@ is sad for not receiving a B-Day card.

Please send her an email or an electronic card (it was July ****^th)

Thank you

From: @@@@@
Sent: Tuesday, July 14, 2009 1:55 PM
To: asshole
Subject: RE: NY / All / B-Days, Cards and Team building

I am a bit sad because I signed many cards for others for almost 1 year and I was so near to get mine….

@@@@@

Twice in 1 week. Really, NRDC? Really?

Dear *******,   Thank you for your interest in employment opportunities with the Natural Resources Defense Council.  Unfortunately, the NY – Program Assistant (Urban) position has been filled.  Your resume will be kept on file with us for one year for any future opportunities with NRDC.   Please visit www.nrdc.org/jobs to view new open positions at NRDC. To access your account or change your contact information, please use the  username and password you chose when you created your profile.   We appreciate your interest in working with us, and your ongoing support of the environmental issues we represent.   Sincerely,   Human Resources Natural Resources Defense Council

Smack a whale with a puppy wrapped in nuclear waste for the NRDC

Wow. It has been busy around here since I was on vacation. I returned all full of happy and New England and campingness to the

same.

old.

shit.

Dear *******

Thank you for your interest in employment opportunities with the Natural Resources Defense Council. Unfortunately, the NY – Program Assistant (Oceans & IT) position has been filled. Your resume will be kept on file with us for one year for any future opportunities with NRDC.

Please visit http://www.nrdc.org/jobs to view new open positions at NRDC. To access your account or change your contact information, please use the username and password you chose when you created your profile. We appreciate your interest in working with us, and your ongoing support of the environmental issues we represent.

Sincerely,

Human Resources

Natural Resources Defense Council

 

 

Dear NRDC,

Then, stop sending me requests for money. Seriously. If I am applying for a job, and being rejected repeatedly by your HR staff, I clearly have NO MONEY TO GIVE YOU. Yes, I agree that the work you do is valuable. If I didn’t, WHY THE HELL WOULD I BE TRYING OVER AND OVER TO WORK THERE?

While I understand you need money, being asked repeatedly for money when you refuse to hire me is just low. What, my labor isn’t good enough for you but my money is? Or is this a pay-to-play situation, where if I scratch your back, you scratch mine?

I guess I’m a masochist. I should have stopped applying oh, about 17 jobs ago. Hell, you didn’t even want me as a volunteer last year when I was unemployed and looking for something to do. What the hell. Is my labor really worth nothing? I can’t even give this shit away?

And yet, I still try, since I really really really want to do more for the environment than recycling newspapers and berating my friends for taking 10 minute showers or wanting to use the air-conditioner.

And you say no. Over and over and over.

To me you are not the Natural Resources Defense Council.

You are the Nonprofit Repeat Dream Crushers.

Fuck you,

*******

I’m totally glad I didn’t bother to send a thank you

Dear *******,

We greatly appreciate your interest in joining our staff at Global Health Strategies and were very impressed with your background and credentials. We also want to thank you for taking the time to speak with the Principal, ***** ****, over the phone.  At this point, we have decided to take the position in a different direction. We will keep your application on file should any future positions or project work become available at GHS.  

We wish you the best of luck in your continued job search and future endeavors.

All the best,

****** *****

Office Manager

Global Health Strategies

27 West 24th Street, Suite 900

New York, NY 10010

Tel: 212-929-7888 ext. 23

 

Meh. It’s totally cool, ****** ***** Office Manager. I just wasn’t that into you either. Especially after your Big Whodie-Who wasted 45 minutes of my time on a phone interview only to tell me the position doesn’t offer benefits, is temporary and will end after 4 months. 

That’s really the kind of thing you’d want to mention in the job ad. Otherwise, people like me waste 2″ of cyberspace applying, then telling the world how lame you are.